My Favorite Nurse February 29, 2008

My lovely daughter pretended to fix me up tonight. I am experiencing the worst “Aunt Flo” of my life right now. The worst! I told her that my tummy hurts when she asked me what was wrong and why was I lying on the couch. She gave me 2 of her french fries, pretend cotton candy, and pretend band-aids (on my arm - LOL). She rubbed my tummy, cheeks, and hair and then she danced for me to the Go, Diego, Go theme song on Noggin. After all of that, she kissed me and told me I am “all better now”.

Well, she may not have cured my cramps, but she sure did make my heart feel warm and fuzzy.

Anne commented today on another post of mine regarding child booster carseats. I want to bring this up because what she said and the links she sent may very well have saved our daughter’s life. Who knows? I hope and pray we don’t ever get into an auto accident. But, incase we do, Brianna will be very well protected now. Parents (and grandparents) take note and please see the comment she posted on “Saw It All in 30 Minutes”. If you have a child in a booster carseat who is less than 65 pounds you ought to seriously consider buying a new seat with a 5 point harness until the child weighs more. If you are a family member and you are interested in the one she recommends (which is the one I bought today for Brianna), then we’d be willing to donate $50.00 towards your purchase. That’s how important I believe it is for you to put your young child in the right kind of seat.

So, here’s to Anne (my Higglytown Hero of the week).

And, Anne, here is the precious life you may very well have saved. I can’t thank you enough.

 And here is the carseat that may not have done the job (booster by Evenflo)

And here is the new carseat that we know will keep her a ton safer (Nautilus by Graco - $155 at WalMart).

to   see   larger   click   on   pictures

Habitat for Humanity February 29, 2008

Please visit my sister’s blog and make a donation (however big or small) for her Habitat for Humanity project.

Click here: http://awkwardmoments.blogspot.com/

Then when you get to her page click on the title of her post “Habitat for Humanity”. It will take you to the website set up to receive your donation.

Thank you from both of us.

Memorial Tattoo for Miscarriage February 28, 2008

I find it thoroughly interesting that for 6 solid weeks my tattoo has been all the rage on my site (look to the right on my sidebar under top posts — see it? — yep, since I started this journey it has been a top post). Literally, every single day someone looks at it at least twice in the picture I posted. The post, and others related to that final one, gets an average of 10 hits per day. Some days it gets almost 20 hits. There are a myriad of searches done on different search engines for “miscarriage tattoo”, “memorial tattoo”, “baby angel tattoo”, “angel tattoo”, and others. I can see these things when I check my blog stats. And every day I am amazed that it continues.

Many women have suffered a miscarriage. Many have suffered more than one. It’s almost a silent suffering for us because we are left with the monthly reminders that we are no longer pregnant — and so we still suffer. For how long? I guess that all depends on the individual. Maybe until the next baby arrives healthy and vibrant? Maybe it never stops. Maybe losing a child no matter if it was by choice, by chance, or by accident — maybe we never get over that.

Anyway, the tattoo has completely healed, I am happy to say. It looks awesome! I am a modest dresser so it doesn’t show outside of my clothes other than when I’m around the house in my nightgown or if I am wearing a tank top. When I know I’m going to be in the sun any length of time I keep it covered because getting a tan (or, worse, a burn) over a tattoo can do damage to it. I still ask Rich to put lotion on it after I shower, but other than that it’s life as usual. It doesn’t itch anymore either which is fantastic b/c I was really starting to get tired of not being able to scratch between my shoulder blades. Tomorrow marks 4 weeks since I got it. And I still love it!

Let this be a reminder to each of you who reads this. Women who suffer miscarriages don’t get over it in a week or two. It is a deeply felt loss. It takes time to work through the pain and disappointment. It’s a hard thing to believe when you’re faced with it in the doctor’s office or while bleeding it out on the toilet. It is physically painful for women who choose (or had no choice) to allow it to happen naturally. Having a D&C is no picnic either. Waiting to go into surgery frayed my emotions. I had so many doubts and worries wondering if I was doing the right thing. Going home knowing what happened during the procedure and knowing that my baby was no longer in my body was heartwrenching. Trying to lose that weight I had gained has been an uphill battle (and I still haven’t lost it all). Packing away the maternity clothes I had just started to wear brought me to my knees. The fact that I still can’t fit into my normal size is a daily reminder of what happened. The fact that I have had a period every month since is another painful reminder of my loss.

I don’t dwell on it. I seriously don’t. But it has caused a change in me. I can feel the tug of depression. I still carry the weight upon my shoulders. I still have days when I just want to curl up in bed and sleep and sleep and sleep. I am not the same.

But, if one person can be touched by what I’ve been through…

…well, let me just say I am glad to help. If you need help or just want to vent I will be here for you.

I love my baby. I prayed so hard for that baby. I hope someday to be able to share the entire story. But, for now, it’s too soon. Things of my past that I am over are not hard for me to conjure up for these posts. But this one thing is too fresh. It’s still very painful for me. I am still dealing with it.

So hang tight. I will share someday.

Have a wonderful night. And thanks, again, for visiting Candid Chatter. We arrived at 2000+ hits today. I am so completely touched by your visits! I truly am.

Truth Be Told February 28, 2008

I saw a news report about a new show called “The Moment of Truth”. It’s a new reality-type game show (like the world needed another one).

Anyway, here is the article if you want to see it for yourself: http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,332969,00.html

I watched the online video of the lady in the article on “The Moment of Truth” website. It’s pretty crazy. So Rich and I started discussing it. I threw out a few questions for myself to answer and then we discussed it some more.

Here is a sample based on the questions the lady on the show was asked. Remember - these are my truthful answers. Mine. You may or may not agree (if you even know me). I am throwing it out here for you to think about. Not for judgmental responses.

1) Do I think my parents are proud of me? Yes

2) Do I know something about my dad that my mom doesn’t know? No

3) Do I know something about my mom that my dad doesn’t know? No

4) Was I ever happy that one of my siblings got in trouble when we were kids? Yes

5) Would I be a surrogate mother if one of my sisters couldn’t conceive a baby? Yes

6) Have I ever had sexual relations with someone other than Rich since I’ve been married to him? No

7) Am I a good friend? Yes

8. Am I always honest? No

9) Do I think I am a good person? Yes

10) Am I a good mom? No

That last question got Rich and I talking the most. I told him that I believe MOST women would say this if they were tied to a polygraph machine. I could be wrong. He tells me I have the bar raised too high and he says I am a good mom. Well, I think I have a lot of room to improve. I certainly try to be a good mom. But, honestly, in my heart truth be told, do I think I am a good mom? No.

Do I know anyone who is? No

Are there moms worse than me? Most definitely

Are there moms better than me? Most definitely

Is anyone a good mom? No

Well, yes, Jesus — but He’s a man. So, no, no one is a good mom because no one is perfect and our precious children deserve perfect. However, they will never get it.

I do my best.

When I Say. . . February 27, 2008

I got this from a dear friend in e-mail this morning. It ties right in with what I’ve been trying to say. Enjoy!

When I say… ‘I am a Christian’ I’m not shouting ‘I’m clean livin”
I’m whispering ‘I was lost, Now I’m found and forgiven.’

When I say… ‘I am a Christian’ I don’t speak of this with pride.
I’m confessing that I stumble and need Christ to be my guide.

When I say… ‘I am a Christian’ I’m not trying to be strong.
I’m professing that I’m weak and need His strength to carry on.

When I say… ‘I am a Christian’ I’m not bragging of success.
I’m admitting I have failed and need God to clean my mess.

When I say… ‘I am a Christian’ I’m not claiming to be perfect,
My flaws are far too visible but, God believes I am worth it.

When I say… ‘I am a Christian’ I still feel the sting of pain..
I have my share of heartaches, so I call upon His name.

When I say… ‘I am a Christian’ I’m not holier than thou,
I’m just a simple sinner who received God’s good grace, somehow!

Ninety-nine February 26, 2008

I guess honesty really is the best policy. Many of you must be able to relate to a checkered past. Today was a record day on my site. Ninety-nine hits. Wow! That’s 99 people hitting this site other than me. I don’t get counted on my blog stats. If I did, the count would be an even 100. Amazing!

Thank you to each of you who offered a supportive comment or e-mail. I am grateful.

To reassure anyone concerned - I want you to know that I am not haunted by any of those things anymore. I have been forgiven. The slate has been wiped clean. The shackles have been removed. I am not a slave to my past. His blood shed for me on that cross took away my sin and made me as white as freshly fallen snow. Clean.

My faith has been growing at a steady pace since I gave my life to Christ 6 years ago this month. My ways have been slowly changing. I am still me. But better. And it’s not because of anything I did. Well, I take that back, I believed in Him. But that’s all I had to do. At that precise moment (that I believed), His Spirit took up residence in my heart and has started transforming the broken me into the me I was created to be. My purpose in this life has been developing ever since then. And - I - Love - It!

You can’t understand me until you can.

It’s like having a baby (or adopting a child). You will never understand the love until you do.

That’s faith in Christ.

You will never understand it…

until

you

do

Here Goes Nothin’ February 25, 2008

It appears I have opened a can of worms that I could have sworn I had already dealt with on here. Apparently that was in the post I deleted that had offended someone I love. Go figure!

Well, I have felt compelled to throw this out there before, so I guess it is time. I’ve been praying about how to deal with this issue properly. I guess it’s just like everything else with me — candidly — just lettin’ it flow.

First, there are a couple of points to my desire to be as raw as possible on here. I want people who are Christians to realize there is nothing smart about hiding behind the facade of sinlessness. There is no good in denying our pasts no matter how dark. People who do not believe in Christ are completely unaffected by a believer who is “perfect”. No. It does, however, scream a bold statement when a believer is honest, trustworthy, and real life. Nothing will draw them in faster than a person with those qualities. Anyone can spot a fake 10 miles away. 100 miles away. Even Christians don’t want to be around “perfect” Christians so why would non-Christians?

The other point is obvious — to draw them in. Not to be adored or glorified myself. No. To point to Him who saved me from my wretched and evil ways. To Him and only Him — Jesus Christ. The One who wipes away all sin. The One who saved the world.

Now on to my sinful past.

Here are a few reasons why Jesus Christ is my Savior. Here is why I believe. This is what He saved me from.

1) I used to smoke pot daily. More than daily. Several times a day. I worked in a place where this was not only the norm, but was (on occasion) celebrated. During the week, I got high after work all the way up until bedtime. Sometimes I got high at work because someone who worked with me was getting high in the warehouse. On the weekends, I got stoned in the morning and it would last all day because if I started to come down I’d smoke another joint, hit the bong, or whatever was handy (pipe, bowl, and so on). I drove stoned. I exercised stoned. I watched movies stoned. I washed dishes stoned. I cleaned my house stoned. I listened to music stoned. You name it I have done it while stoned. I even went to church stoned. Yes, church. 

* Jesus cured me of my addiction to getting high. Now I can say “no” when, before, I was the ultimate party girl and always in for a “good time” *

2) I have had 2 affairs. I was not married. The men were. One of them I married (my first husband). I thought of it as a dangerous game. I can’t begin to describe how I paid the price for those wicked acts of adultery. The cool thing is that the first man I had an affair with is now a born again believer. Thank God! I’m sure it saved more than his soul. I’m sure it saved his marriage and I think that’s awesome!

* Sex had been a hurtful and dirty thing to me until I met my current/forever husband. God is helping me to view it as something beautiful instead of something sinful and wicked *

3) I was self-indulgent and conceited. I thought I was the cat’s meow. I thought I was a walking gift to humanity. I thought women were dying to be my friends and men were dying to sleep with me. Cocky and irresponsible and mean and mouthy. Cussed like a sailor and thought my own shadow adored me. I dared God to “show me His stuff” and called Him “big guy”. Guess what happened? He did. And how humbled I have been ever since.

* It says in the Bible not to tempt God. I tempted Him out of pure ignorance. I didn’t have a clue. Thankfully, He is a loving and forgiving God who is so full of mercy. Here I sit embarrassed to admit my pre-Christ self, but thankful for the forgiveness enough to not be embarrassed at the same time. *

So that’s the worst of it. How low can you go? I suppose others have gone lower. I suppose. But, to me, those are rock bottom. I’ve tried other drugs (cocaine, mushrooms, and acid), but never got addicted to them - Thank God! I’ve been drunker than a sailor on leave and so sick I swore I’d never do it again — only to do it again the following weekend. I’ve rolled in the mud and walked on the dark side. I’ve been the prodigal daughter. I was not raised this way. My parents know some of this and would probably faint to know all of it. But they love me and have forgiven me.

I am a new creation. I am born again. What the Holy Spirit has done in my heart that has resulted in radical change in my life has been nothing short of a miracle.

I believe in Jesus Christ. He saved me. He is my Savior. Forever I will love Him and forever I will spend with Him.

and

I

can’t

wait

until

forever

begins

Things I’m Working On February 25, 2008

I have class tonight so this will be brief. But I thought I’d give you a glimpse into another aspect of my complicated, yet simple life. I have many temptations - as do all of you. So here is my oh so humble list of things I’m working on (thru prayer, of course).

1) My temper - esp as it affects my children and husband

2) My judgmental nature

3) My desire for attention

4) I almost deleted this one, but my friend Melissa helped me change my mind back. So here it is/was: I have been tempted twice in the past 2 weeks by the same person to smoke pot. I refused both times, but the first time I was so tempted that I half wonder if my kids hadn’t been with me and if I hadn’t had to drive home would I have smoked it? I hope not. But I was very tempted!

5) I need to say “no” and try not to be everything to everyone

6) My tendency to take over a conversation to the point that I am not listening to the person speaking because I’ve already decided what I’m going to say next. Ouch! Yes, I do this a lot and I am trying not to. Ugh!

Have a great Monday evening all. Think of me while I labor through the introduction to poetry in my Eng 2 class. Ick, poetry, ick!

PS: In relation to item #4, if you haven’t known me long or haven’t been following my blog long then you won’t know the whole story. I will reveal it again sometime, I’m sure. But, until then, go look in my archives or I will try to find out how to make it clickable here for you to get to later. Right now I’m taking my kids out to ride bikes (tricycle and scoot truck).

Water Fountain Fun February 24, 2008

I took the kids to a festival in Grant, FL yesterday. It took us an hour to get there and a half hour to park. It was a disaster. After about 5 minutes inside the festival we left. Just not an appropriate gathering for small children in my opinion. So we drove back to our neck of the woods. After a pit stop to eat and change into bathing suits we went to another part of FL which was only 5 minutes away this time and this is what happened.

REMEMBER TO SEE PICTURE FULL SIZE YOU MUST CLICK ON IT

Well, Jeremy’s cold wasn’t helped by the water and breeze, but it’s worth the extra sniffles and coughs to have had such a wonderful time with the kids.

Happy Sunday everyone!

Be An Organ Donor! February 23, 2008

Run, don’t walk, to the local BMV and put “Organ Donor” on your driver’s license. I have it on mine.

Click here for more information: http://unos.org/

Click here for a blog that you should at least check out once, if not every day, to (a) remember your blessings and (b) pray for this family — remember, this is real life for them, not just some live entertainment blog online (it actually makes me sick to think anyone would read their blog for entertainment): http://cfhusband.blogspot.com/

Then click here to learn how to pray for a donor for Tricia: http://nagsheader.blogspot.com/2008/01/how-do-you-pray-for-transplant-donor.html

Tell your family you wish to be an organ donor. Carry an organ donor card. Your gift could save a life (or two or seven).

Have a great weekend!