Good Gracious! February 22, 2008

Why doesn’t somebody tell them the truth? Why does this happen every year? These people can’t be serious!

Count Thy Blessings February 22, 2008

Focusing on the positive.

Ten of my blessings (in no particular order).

1) My husband

2) My children

3) My health

4) My mom & dad, sisters & brothers, in-laws, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins (my family)

5) My nieces and nephew

6) My friends

7) My faith

8. My church

9) My senses (sight, smell, taste, touch, etc)

10) My intelligence

I Am Tougher Than This February 21, 2008

You lucky bloggers are about to watch me bleed. Raw, real, revealing. Right here on WordPress. Go get your popcorn and your soda. It’s about to get dramatic around here.

I went to the doctor today. I went with butterflies in my stomach. I didn’t know what would happen. I had “issues” I barely explained in another post. Female issues. Guys, you won’t understand this part so feel free to skim to the next paragraph. Since Tuesday of last week (the day I flipped out and cried all day), I have been having some very big symptoms of early pregnancy. I won’t give you all the gory details, but I’ll say that they are definite signs associated with the first trimester. Being that I was just pregnant 2 1/2 months ago, I figured myself an expert on early pregnancy. It’s hard to remember after 2 years pass. But when it’s been such a short time frame, you don’t forget much. This was a surprise to me because (a) we weren’t trying and (b) my cycle didn’t seem to allow for me to be ovulating at the time we did the deed(s).

However, I am not pregnant. I took a pregnancy test at the doc’s office this morning. Negative.

First of all, no pity party. I am not upset that I am not pregnant (we weren’t trying). Truthfully, it is not a good time for me to be pregnant. It’s insane right now and Rich’s work schedule is about to get infinitely worse starting yesterday. Remember when I complained about getting no breaks? Well, forget the thought of it because in 2008 I have got to suck it up. No breaks. None. No point in complaining. It’s the sacrifice we’ll make in order for Rich’s company to take off. It’s life and it won’t last forever.

What makes me overwhelmingly upset, though, is that my body has tricked me. What is this crap? Why do I have to suffer a miscarriage, think I’m pregnant again, then suffer early pregnancy symptoms for no reason? That’s unfair! I feel like a chicken who is being plucked one painful feather at a time. Something has got to give. Please. Seriously. Who can I take this up with because I am slowly sinking. I can’t tread water like this. I’m exhausted. I don’t know how much more of this I can take.

QUICK NOTE: Ok - nobody goes off thinking I’m suicidal here. I am not and my marriage is fine and my kids are fine. No rash judgments on your part. I am using this blog to vent and organize my thoughts and emotions. Nobody takes this wrong. I am the type of person who does not suffer quietly. I am very open because it suits me.

I am at a point in my life where I have no more to give. I am running on fumes, if you know what I mean. No more gas. The tank is empty.

So in light of this, some things are about to change.

First of all, to avoid ending up on anti-depressant drugs I am vowing to take great care of myself. My exercise routine will resume (I stopped b/c I thought I was pregnant). My low carb diet will resume (again I stopped b/c…).

Second of all, I am no longer available to volunteer. Think full spectrum here. If you want me for something look away and look away fast because the answer is no. Until I am out of the radar of my doctor with the prescription pad no more volunteering. I am spread too thin and apparently I am not cut out for this.

Third, I will do what I enjoy like having dinner parties and fun gatherings at my house. However, I will not put myself or my family out by breaking my neck to be sure every single inch of my house is sparkling clean. I promise it will be as clean as I can make it with two energetic toddlers and a husband who is working 100 hours a week. Beyond that you’ll just have to overlook it or come visit 10 years from now when, like I said before, I have TIME to clean.

Fourth (and most important), I need all the prayers you can send to the Lord on my behalf. If you can think it, you can pray it. I try to leave what to pray for up to the person praying because I believe the Holy Spirit will lead you. He, after-all, knows exactly what I need.

My doctor wants to reevaluate me in 2 months. If there is no change, or a continued downward spiral, I will be given the “anti-depressant” drug of choice. I know it’s up to me to take it. But, truthfully, if I’m still in this mode by then I will probably walk in her office with my hand held out begging for mercy. I cannot function like this. My husband and children deserve better than this. I want my joy back. I want my happiness back.

I thought I was tougher than this. Turns out I’m not. That hurts my pride and then some.

Pray.

PS: If you are a close friend of mine, don’t be hurt that I didn’t tell you. This is the 4th time since Rich and I have been married that I was convinced I was pregnant. The other three times I told everyone then had to go back and untell them. That is no fun. And please understand that when I am pregnant again I probably won’t tell you until the pregnancy has been well-established and all early tests have been done with positive results.

70 Million and Counting February 21, 2008

This is how many people blog.

What a community!! The article I read (can’t remember to cite it, sorry, I was at the doc’s office in the lobby waiting, waiting, waiting) said that the reason people blog and people read people’s blogs is because we all understand one another on different levels… especially moms. It’s therapeutic, fun, relaxing, etc. Why do we share such internal struggles, achievements, victories, losses, hardships, etc.? Because someone out there understands and can relate.

Why do I share some of my thoughts with all of you?

Because most of you “get” me. It’s great to be real, even in cyberspace. We are a community of people of all walks of life and we love to communicate with each other. Every one seems to want a deeper understanding, a deeper meaning. I do.

So keep on blogging. I hope the next time I read an article on blogging we have become a community of 700 million!

Oh, and do me a favor if you don’t mind — say “hi”. Just click on comment and say “hi” and maybe type your first name. Just so I know who I’m “talking” to. Only about 4 or 5 of you comment regularly. But I get anywhere between 40 to 70 hits a day. Say “hi” or whatever. Bark like a dog. Meow like a cat. Moo like a cow. I don’t care. Just tell me who you are. Maybe someday I’ll get hip and bribe you into telling me who you are with a prize like some other bloggers do who are fishing for hits. Ya just never know!

Hugs -n- stuff.

HR

Go Look NOW February 20, 2008

Don’t waste another second online.

Go outside and look up at the moon.

You will see a total Lunar Eclipse.

It’s amazing!

Well, if you’re just now reading this and you didn’t go look you missed it and it was awesome and beautiful and amazing! Guess you can try to catch it again in 2010.

Wishy Washy “Friends” February 20, 2008

I don’t have time for high maintenance people. I especially don’t have time for high maintenance so-called friends. No thanks. I have my own problems, believe me.

A “friend” of mine, who I have known for about 8 years, is a creep. She is. I’ll just be blunt about it. She’s so flaky that whenever I am around her I want to shake her and scream, “BE REAL YOU FLAKY FAKE WEIRDO”. Or something like that. I don’t know. But she is strange. Very, very strange.

Recently I did her a major favor. I went out on a limb. I actually did her two favors, now that I’m thinking of it. Both were highly inconvenient for me and my family and cost us money. But, whatever, I try to be kind and generous whenever I can. So during these favors she called me about 3 times a week. Such a chatty Cathy on all occasions. So I started thinking that maybe she’s not as weird as I thought and this whole thing is a figment of my horribly judgmental imagination and then I felt slightly guilty. I’ve complained about her to my husband and my best friend several times over the years. I have wanted to “break up” with her many, many times (yes, you can break up with friends just like boyfriends, ladies). But they have both persuaded me to stay friends with her even though she’s unbelievably flaky fake strange (they at least agree with me on my observations of her personality).

Hmmm.

You know, since I did the last favor for her (a week ago tomorrow) I haven’t heard from her. Am I surprised? Heck, no! This is how it works. When her child is having a birthday I get an invitation. After the party, I get snubbed. When she’s about to have a baby I get an invitation to the shower. Once that’s all over with, I get snubbed. If she’s having a bad mommy moment I might get a call so I can make her feel better. After that, I get snubbed. There is a pattern here and it has been developing for a looooong time.

So here is what is going to happen. I am going to break up with her once and for all. That’s it. I know when I’m being lied to and used. After 8 years of putting up with this hokey crap, I am through.

No more parties, no more gifts, no more Mrs. Doormat over here. Gone. Done. Finished. See ya!

PS: Why are there some moms out there who will not give money or food to feed their kids when they are being babysat? I sincerely want to know the answer to this because it is my major opinion that MOMS there is absolutely NO excuse for it. If your child is going to be watched by someone during a meal then it is YOUR responsibility to make sure you have provided food for YOUR child. You either give the babysitter money or food. If it is refused, then you can get away with not providing. There is NO other option, I don’t care how you were raised. I am shocked at how this is disregarded. I can’t believe people have the audacity to drop their kids off at my house with nothing for them to eat expecting that I will feed them. Well, I am not going to let them go hungry, but if you are not paying me to watch him or her then you better feed your kid.

Smile. I’m serious. Smile. It’s alright, I got it off my chest and now we can play nice again.

Adios.

A Different Kind of Sacrifice February 19, 2008

Meet Bonnie and Dave.

Bonnie and Dave are users. They live in a house owned by another person rent free. They have been asked to vacate such premises and are refusing. They are over 50 years old with 3 adult children (all girls). One of said girls lives with them. They run from creditors and they are hiding one of their cars to avoid having it carted off by a tow truck because they haven’t made the payments they agreed to make.

Heidi, you’re so judgmental, you are thinking. Ok, I’ll give you that. But if I’m going to be “candid” then I’m going to be candid.

Well, Bonnie wears the latest fashions in clothes, shoes, and jewelry. Her hair is always professionally styled and colored (you ladies know this is not cheap). Her make-up is designer and so is her perfume.

Bonnie and Dave eat out at restaurants for almost every meal every day.

After being told they could not bring their dog to the house they are living in they brought it anyway.

Bonnie and Dave are lucky I am under the restraints I am under or Bonnie and Dave would get a piece of me.

Judge at will. Laugh if you want. Roll your eyes. Tsk, tsk me. Whatever.

Bonnie and Dave are losers.

There is such meaning in the words “the sacrifice of prayer” because I do not want to pray for Bonnie and Dave, yet I will. Just like I did not want to pray for my ex-husband, yet I did. It’s a sacrifice to lift them up to the Lord when I’d rather squash them like bugs.

My flesh hates Bonnie and Dave and wants to set their cars on fire. My soul won’t allow it. My spirit uplifts them in prayer instead.

This is what it is like to be a Christian. You can hate someone or something so much, yet you are compelled to pray about it. You can be so angry and upset over something, yet you can’t escape the desire to pray about it.

Life as a Christian is not easy. You realize like never before that God is always watching and you can’t ignore it. You simply desire to please Him and to be a blessing to others because of His great love and mercy. This makes you do incredibly weird things like praying for people you’d rather curse. There are still so many choices to make, but you always know which is right and you are compelled to turn in that direction even when you don’t want to.

Right - pray for them

Wrong - curse their names and make life miserable for them

Praying for them does not feel good and it goes against the grain.

Cursing their names and making them feel miserable would be like a flesh-filled victory and it might feel pretty darn good for awhile. But it’s wrong.

Sacrificial prayer. There is so much meaning in that. So much.

Ten Things February 19, 2008

I am beat this morning. Jeremy kept me up again for 2 hours in the wee hours while all of you were snoring.

So Ten Things you never wanted to know about me:

1. My favorite color is blue

2. I only wash my hair every other day

3. I must be the one to get the mail. If anyone else gets the mail it bothers me. Why? I have no idea.

4. I hate the taste of coconut, but I love the smell of it

5. When styrofoam rubs against itself and makes that squeeking noise I get chills. I hate that sound!

6. Seeing people kiss on TV or the movies makes me feel weird. Like I’m spying on someone. I really don’t like it.

7. I love garage sales. I love thrift stores. I love consignment shops. Before I had kids I went to a lot of these things. Now I just don’t have the time to rummage through all the junk to find the treasures. But there is a treasure in every thrift store/consignment shop and almost every garage sale.

8. E-bay is the place to buy jewelry if you know what you are doing. I have a giant ruby pendant I got for $99.00. It is worth at least $2000.00. I have an emerald ring that I paid $125.00 for. It is worth about $1500.00.

9. My favorite non-alcoholic beverage is Starbucks Chai Tea Latte

10. I have decided to let my hair grow out

Updates Before Bed February 18, 2008

My thesis is too wordy he tells me, yet he likes my focus. I enjoy a nod of approval as well as constructive criticism. My current English instructor is top notch. He’s really good. Really good.

My daughter is still concerned over the “we eat animals” thing. I read her a book that is a cute little poem about a spider who wants to make friends with other bugs. When we got to the moths she (Brianna) asked me if we eat moths. Huh? No, we don’t eat bugs. Moving along. No, she goes back to her thoughts. She points to the ants on another page. Do we eat ants? Ewww, NO! We don’t eat ants either. What bugs do we eat then? None. No bugs. Ohhhh — duh stupid me, she is relating this to the “we eat animals” conversation that I thought was so funny. Apparently this has been on her mind for days. So I tell her we eat cows, pigs, chickens, turkeys, and fish. No bugs.

Warning — graphic bodily function talk ahead (in green).

The cat that’s not ours puked on the porch today and ate its puke. My kids were so fascinated by this. I let them watch. What’s the harm in that? If they can stomach it, they can watch it. But I warned them NEVER to eat puke!! It’s disgusting. My daughter agreed with me and my son got chills. LOL! Guess I didn’t need to warn them. They already knew it was disgusting.

Our son pooped in the potty today. He is such an awesome kid and learning things so early. I am amazed and we had a family get together in the bathroom to celebrate Jeremy’s first potty poop. Woohoo!!

Notice a new blog on the roll. It’s the Hoyt family (The Hoyt’s House by Tausha). Check ‘em out when you can. Fun and funny blog!

Thank you to all you Candid Chatter fans. We made it to 1500 hits today! That’s exciting! Please keep coming and keep commenting!

Have a great night ya’ll. Peace!

No More Mrs. Clean February 18, 2008

Goodbye to an era. Goodbye to perfection. Goodbye, so long, farewell, adios.

I have had 4 experiences in the past month in going to a friend’s house for one reason or another that has shed some light on this topic. It’s almost taboo to even discuss it. But – you can see this coming, I know you can – it got me thinking.

If any one of you came to my house today this is a little of what you would see:

• Two dirty toilets
• A floor that hasn’t been mopped in 4 weeks. Yes FOUR!
• Carpet with play-doh ground into it
• A dirty stove top
• A dirty microwave
• Bathroom mirrors with toothpaste spit and water drops splattered on them (kids!)
• Other mirrors and TVs with fingerprints
• Bathroom sinks with toothpaste and spit dried up inside them
• Dirty clothes in the bathroom, hallway, beside the bed, and piled up in the laundry room (and I just did 3 loads yesterday)

. . . among other things.

So I am through pretending. I am. Don’t come to my house if you expect Mrs. Clean to have visited. Because, kids, she’s long gone. I am no longer a perfectionist when it comes to my house. Come to think of it, I don’t believe I’ve dusted in 4 weeks. Probably not. The only things I’ve recently cleaned is my shower, the kid’s tub, and laundry. About once a day I’ll wipe down the kitchen counters and kitchen table. I sweep up messes on the floor daily, sometimes 2 or 3 times depending on the mess. But that is it!

My friends, whose houses I’ve recently been to, all made excuses for some catastrophic mess they imagined their houses were in. Know the reality? I saw clothes in baskets waiting to be folded. Normal. I saw counters cluttered with papers and stuff. Normal. I saw kids with food on their faces or fronts of their shirts. Normal. I saw shoes strewn about from the front door to the back door. Normal. Most importantly, I saw happy kids and frazzled moms. Normal, normal, normal and I’m glad the kids were all happy!

If you want to see Mrs. Clean again, wait about 10 years. By then I won’t have anything else to do but clean my house. Until then it will be cluttered, it will be messy, it will be dirty in some places, and it will be dusty. I will have a pile of laundry for years. It will not go away until the kids go away. And I don’t want the kids to go away.

If you are my friends stop making excuses for your NORMAL lives and houses. I would actually worry about you if your house was perfect anyway. I’d think you were neglecting your children or you were insane and stayed up all night cleaning while everyone else slept. Just stop it. Stop!

Now, who wants to meet us at the playground this week? Let’s go have coffee and let the kids run hog wild!

PS: I got my thesis done! Hooray!!