The Little Genius March 26, 2008

Well, I am his mom afterall. I can think he’s a genius if I wanna.

Two. My little gentleman is turning two. We bought him his first bike today. A Radio Flyer tricycle. It’s so adorable. He doesn’t know how to peddle it yet, but he tries soooo hard.

Two years ago I was probably tossing and turning in bed, completely uncomfortable from my enormous stomach and sciatica. Jeremy was so low at that point that I felt all day long as if he’d either punch a hole through my stomach, break one of my ribs with his massive kicks, or fall right out if I didn’t keep my legs close together. I knew he was head down because I could literally feel it as he pounded against my bladder and seemed to shake his head back and forth (as if gesturing “no”) at the very bottom of my stomach right at my pelvic bones. It was like he was trying to screw his head in between my hips. Ugh! It was awful. I am a very short person and he was rough on me even though he’s a small little tyke himself. He is very active and was just as active in utero. I was not-so-patiently waiting for my scheduled c-section date, which was over a week away.

I went to the doctor on March 27, 2006 for a normal check-up and to have him monitored since I had gestational diabetes. I was up to twice a week visits since I was over 32 weeks gestation. Still birth is a big concern for babies of diabetic moms. So I did the whole pee in a cup thing so they could check for protein, had my heart rate checked, got weighed (176 pounds if I remember right), and waddled to the room with the heart monitor (for him) and contraction machine (for me). The nurse hooked me all up, handed me my clicker, and then walked out. She said she’d be back in 20 minutes. She should have looked at the contraction machine before she left, but it was so routine and I had seen her 100 times it seemed (twice a week gets you friendly with the nursing staff).

Now that morning I had horrible “cramps”. Even when my babysitter showed up I was doubling over holding my stomach complaining about “Braxton Hicks” contractions (the false labor ones are called that). We laughed about it and I told her how I could not wait for that baby to be born. I didn’t know Jeremy was a boy. We kept his gender a secret. Awesome thing and I highly recommend it. Highly!! Anyway, I kissed Brianna and told her I’d see her in a couple of hours. That was the last time I saw Brianna until 2 days later.

LOL!

So the nurse comes back and freaks the heck out. She says, “didn’t you know you’re in labor?”. I was like, “uh, nooo, I had a c-section with the first one - i’ve never been in labor”. She laughed and tells me she’d be right back she had to see my doctor. She ripped off the paper with all the big lines all up and down it and almost ran into the door as she left the room. Probably less than 20 seconds later she’s back unhooking me and shoving me out the door into the patient holding area telling me the doctor wants to see me and now and she’s calling the hospital to get me into the OR. What???!!! Heck no! I was about to have me a baby — that day!

I called Rich all nervous and such. He’s working in Ft. Lauderdale at the time. A full hour and a half away. I’m telling him I think I’m going to have the baby and he needs to tell his boss that he might have to leave within the next 10 minutes or so and head my direction. I think he thought I was joking, but then realized I was serious and I think he may have passed out at least once. So the doctor sees me, tells me directions to the hospital, reminds me he’s not “on call” that day so I’ll have another doctor from their practice doing my surgery. Ok. Really? Ok.

Off to the hospital with me. Calling Rich. He’s on his way.

Jeremy was born at 4:55 p.m. on Monday, March 27, 2006 via c-section. He weighed 7 lbs 8 oz and was 21 inches long.

Here is what I looked like the day before he was born (remember we had no clue I would go into labor less than 24 hours after this photo was taken):

Here is my precious darling brand spankin’ new baby boy:

And here him is now with him’s dirty neck from a-playin’:

My little man. I am head over heels in love with this child. Oh my heart!

Tattoo March 26, 2008

Since yesterday at 7:00 there have been 42 hits just on my Angel Baby Forever Tattoo post. Sheesh!

On one hand I’m all like “WhooHooo!!”. On the other hand it literally breaks my heart to pieces. Every day I get an amazing amount of internet traffic because of my experiences with miscarriage and getting a memorial tattoo.

So here is an update:

I am still recovering. The past few days I’ve been talking with my husband and two of my friends about taking an anti-depressant. I am seriously considering it. My next step is to talk with my doctor. She told me to give it two months since my last appointment so I have a month to go. I also think I need to wait until this semester is over to see if that is a cause of my anxiety or not. I think it was during the move, but I am back to enjoying it (except for the stupid book I’m having to read — hate it — but I am pretty sure I am back to loving school again). And I am a borderline ”A” student. So, as I said before, if I pull a “B” I’ll be very pleased.

I still miss my baby. I still think about it. However, the moments of crying spells seem to be over. I have accepted what happened. I still fear getting pregnant again. It’s a double-edged sword though, because I also want another baby very much. I can wait though. I can. It used to be, when we were talking about getting pregnant, I would be so anxious to jump the gun and start baby dancing every other day. Not this time. I thought, initially, I’d wait until right after my sister’s wedding (it’s in June) and then we’d try immediately. Now I think I want to wait until Jeremy is closer to 3 years old (Bree will be 4 1/2). Of course, as we all know, God may have other plans so we leave it up to Him if He wants to bless us in the meantime. If not, we will probably wait another year to start trying.

We have chats about it. I pray about it. I ask God to kiss that baby for me and to tell it that its mommy loves it so very much. I look even more forward to Christ’s return so we can all be together. But I am healing and have healed and I am sure, even though I will never forget, I will recover fully.

My kids like to rub lotion on my tattoo after I shower. It’s adorable. I still hope they never get tattooed (for some reason), but I want them to be very accepting of anyone who is different than them.

Thank you for reading my posts, esp those of you who share my story. And I am so incredibly sorry for your losses. Heaven is going to be one amazing family reunion, huh?

I can’t wait!

Junk. Gimme Some Junk, Mom! March 25, 2008

I love hate sugar! I was gestational diabetic twice. I learned a lot about sugar during those times. Then I went on the South Beach Diet in order to lose just shy of 50 pounds. I learned even more about the glycemic index while doing that diet. We still do a form of that diet even today. I am very conscious of my sugar intake. Very.

My kids eat a pretty normal toddler diet: hot dogs, bologna, mac-n-cheese, french toast sticks, chicken nuggets, fries. And they also eat a pretty healthy diet: whole wheat bread and whole wheat pasta, organic as much as possible (even the mac-n-cheese is organic), Kashi bars, YoBaby yogurt (organic), veggie burgers, soy chicken patties, they love black olives, only cereal they have ever eaten is Cheerios and I usu throw in some dried cherries and freeze dried apples to perk it up (I do NOT add sugar), pasteurized eggs, spring water, and they take an excellent multi-vitamin every day. For snacks they have pretzel rods, Sun Chips, natural cheese puffs, animal crackers, and gold fish. But truly their favorite “snack” is yogurt. I am training them and I am pretty happy with what they are eating. I wish they wanted more veggies, but I try to get them to at least take a bite or two. They like veggie burgers so that is good.

When I take them grocery shopping they might see a brightly colored box with a favorite character on it and immediately, without even knowing what’s inside, they want it. “Mommy, look it’s DORA. I want the DORA one.” My most used phrase while at the grocery store is, “no way, man, we do not eat junk”. Then I usu add something like, “sugar rots your teeth right out of your face”. Or maybe, “sugar might cause you to get bad grades from the doctor — especially if he’s the dentist type”. I am silly and I make funny faces and I act like my stomach is upset and I pretend to barf. It makes them laugh. But I am still teaching them that sugar is the enemy unless you are very careful and you indulge once in awhile.

So Brianna, my 3 1/2 yr old, was browsing my pantry the other day. I just filled it. That grocery trip was excellent b/c the kids weren’t with me and I wasn’t hungry. I stayed right on my list and didn’t by anything extra except Kettle Korn, but that’s for me. I filled our freezer, fridge, and pantry to overflowing. All the good stuff. No excuses to cheat until Rich came home with 2 tubs of cheesecake ice cream. So she’s in there looking, looking, looking, looking. She spots the candy waaaay at the top hidden in a WalMart bag. It was supposed to be for Easter. We were supposed to have guests so I bought some plastic eggs to hide and candy that I planned to put inside of them. Well the Easter plans bit the dust b/c my kids were still illin’. Anyway — child with candy radar — she spots them with her laser beams somehow.

I said, “Brianna what do you want?” She’s a big eater just like her mama daddy. Her being hungry or wanting to snack is life. She’s a wee little thing too so you wouldn’t know it by looking at her. Anyway, she said…

“I want junk. Gimme some junk, mom!”

I cracked up.

So I gave her some junk. She deserved it!

Weight Gain with Oodles of Compliments? March 25, 2008

I have gained some weight. I got pregnant, gained 10 pounds, had a miscarriage, lost 3 pounds, had to move, gained 5 pounds. So now I am 12 pounds over my target weight. Grrr. I haven’t exercised in weeks. I have been eating fairly well, but occasionally not so hot when I’m too busy to cook or prepare something. Fast food is way too convenient when pressed for time or just flat exhausted. But I vowed once we settled in this new home that I would resume my healthy eating habits and exercise. I am eating better, but no exercise yet b/c of being ill and still flat exhausted.

My clothes have shrunk. An entire closet full of them. That’s what I want to believe anyway. I can fit into exactly 3 pairs of pants I can wear in public and 4 pairs that I will only wear at home. My shirts suddenly are too short. Instead of hitting me just below the waist, since I’ve gained weight, I’d seriously prefer if they’d hit me just below the hips. That way when I raise my arms and my stomach pops over my jeans it won’t hang out of the bottom of my shirt too. Because we all know how extremely attractive post-baby belly is. Oh yeaaah!

Despite all of this doom and gloom, I have been getting loads of compliments. What is up with that? Just 5 months ago I wore a size 4. Yes, a size 4. Then I moved to a 6 during my short-lived pregnancy. Now I’m inching ever closer to an 8. Not bad if you consider the average size of a woman in our society is a 14, right? However, I am all of 5 feet 2 inches. So any amount of weight I gain is noticeable right away. I don’t necessarily want to be tall. But there are two distinct benefits to it that I can see: 1. when you gain 10 pounds it doesn’t show, 2. when you are pregnant you don’t look like you swallowed the Goodyear blimp.

Another thing is for over 2 months now I haven’t worn any eye make-up (except for 2 times in the past week). Huh? Weird to me. I am plain-faced and 12 pounds heavier than I was in October yet I get more compliments now than I did then. Why is this?

Well, I need motivation to get back on track. But I have none. Even my husband has been giving me more compliments lately. I am starting to wonder if he likes big butts. Seriously. He bought me a cheesecake last week and cheesecake ice cream this week. Yeah, he likes big butts I guess.

So the bottom line is I would stay this size (a 6, not an 8), but then I can’t wear my clothes and I am NOT going to buy more clothes (again!).

Guess I’ll be exercising and trying to lose 12 pounds now. Need to get back down to a 4.

I know. If you’re overweight you don’t pity me even the least little bit. I know. When I had Jeremy I weighed 174 pounds (remember I am 5 ft 2 inches). It took me about 10 months to lose 49 pounds. I did it and I stayed there for a long time. So I do know what it’s like to wear maternity clothes for 4 months post-partum. That stinks. And I also know what it’s like to be a size 14. I don’t want anyone to think I don’t have to fight tooth and nail to be small. I do. I have to work my butt off (literally). I envy women who tell me they don’t exercise (you both know who you are) yet they have beautiful figures (one has 3 kids and is 40, one has 2 kids and is 30). GRRRR to you!

Use Me March 24, 2008

First of all, another 100+ day of hits on this here site. THANK YOU, again, for stopping by Candid Chatter. I do my absolute best to be absolutely honest and I absolutely cannot believe the amount of people who read this day after day. Must be doin’ sumthin right. Which leads me to the reason for this post…

Use Me

I’ve talked about surrendering to God many times since I started this blog a few short months ago. It’s something I knew nothing about until that one day at church many years ago. I was going to Heritage Christian Church in Westerville, Ohio at the time. It was the first protestant church I’d been to that I fell head over heals in love with. Completely in love with everything about that church and it had completely NOTHING to do with the building. It had EVERYTHING to do with the Hand of God being on the pastor and staff and volunteers. From the greeting I got when I first stepped foot in the door to the farewell I got when I left to move down south. It oozed love, acceptance, diversity, culture, friendship, normalcy, unity. It was, and is even more so today, a church truly blessed by God and operating in harmony with His Perfect Will. It has grown leaps and bounds from when I first walked in the front doors and rightly so. It is a healthy church, and God blesses and grows healthy churches (just ask anyone at Calvary Chapel PSL)!!

Pastor Brian Brooks was doing the sermon that day (he was, then, the associate pastor). He’s from Jamaica. He has this amazing accent. If that doesn’t draw you in, he is very outgoing and funny. If that doesn’t draw you in, he is an amazing man of God who inspires with each spoken word. That man is truly blessed by the Lord. Anyway, he did a sermon about surrendering to the Holy Spirit. I hadn’t heard of such a thing. He challenged the church to go home, get quiet and alone with God, and ask Him to fill us with His Spirit.

It     Was     That     Simple

So I did it. I prayed and asked God for His Spirit.

Just so nobody is confused, I was already saved so the Holy Spirit had already been changing my heart and my ways and my mind and He already resided in me. That happened as soon as I believed and was a definite work in progress. God took His time with me in the beginning and the changes started coming slower than they do now. I think now that I’m maturing He sort of shakes things up more and quicker. But I have to admit — I love it — even when it hurts!

So back on topic, my life was about to become one wild ride after another and I hadn’t a clue. Not a clue! And, as I look back, it is so thrilling to me.

I asked the Holy Spirit to take over. I surrendered. When I did this I didn’t realize what would happen next. And, if it wasn’t for that phone call to Pastor Brian Brooks and that day he agreed to meet me at the church office with a bazillion questions, I might not understand what I understand now. Because some things really are private (esp of a spiritual nature) I won’t detail my experiences here. First of all, a lot of you would not believe me. Second of all, some things are just between me and God. I’ll chat about many things openly. But sometimes it’s between me and Him. However, I will tell you the next few months of my life were beyond dramatic. The things God whispered, and sometimes shouted, into my life are without explanation. In other words, there is no way I can explain them.

Change. Unequivocal change. Unbelievable change. Outstanding and amazing change.

My entire world was rocked that minute I asked for the Spirit of God into my life. When I surrendered it was almost like He had been waiting with bated breath for that moment and then

He     Overwhelmed     Me

Talk about an answer to prayer. God has answered many, many prayers in my life. But the one He answered immediately and seemingly without holding back was that one. Lord, give me your Spirit. Fill me. I surrender to you. Use me.

Use me.

Use me he has. I love my job. I am good at it.

Because

He

Made

Me

And I operate within my purpose. The one He gave me. My purpose. My talent.

My heart is sold out to Christ.

You can’t possibly understand me…

unless you’re sold out too.

Seven Things You’ve Learned March 24, 2008

For fun…

This is a quiz.

This is only a quiz.

Seven things you recently learned about me:

1) Who was sick with the flu this week?

2) Where do I get my coffee while I’m out and about?

3) What cartoon character will I be like in 40 years?

4) What shape of diamond is my absolute favorite?

5) Did my kids color eggs for Easter?

6) Jeremy’s birthday is what day this week? How old will he be?

7) What kind of wildlife have I enjoyed from my very own backyard this week?

Whoever answers all 7 of these questions correctly wins a lost marble. Once I find it I’ll send it to you! Yahoo!!

Happy Resurrection Day March 23, 2008

Why Stir My Soul? March 22, 2008

I want a 5 carat emerald cut diamond solitaire set in platinum. I seriously do.

Here’s the deal. I want it to look like this when set.

 

But I want it THIS size!!!

For a diamond to be 5 carats and cut in this shape it must be flawless. It must be as clear as invisible. It must be perfect.

Here’s the problem (besides the fact that my husband can’t afford a diamond of that caliber):

I can’t do it. If someone laid 25 million dollars in my lap I couldn’t spend $100,000 of it on that ring. I could pay off my mortgages. I could pay off my family’s mortgages. I could take a nice long vacation. I could send our kids to the finest schools. I could pay off a few of my friends’ debts. I could give a rather whopping large donation to our church (what’s 10% of 25 mil?? 2.5 mil!!!). I could do a lot of things. But I couldn’t buy that ring.

Why The Heck Not?

Rich showed me a picture of a yacht today. It was beautiful. Breathtaking and beautiful and unbelievable and just fantasy stuff that doesn’t even seem real to me. But it is real. It is. Somebody is building it right now as I type this. Just a few short years ago I would have said sarcastically, “must be nice”. I would have been jealous. I would have thought things like how unfair it is for some people to be so rich. I would have wondered what it would be like to take a trip on that fantastic yacht. I love the water after-all. That yacht should be mine!

But you know what I felt today when he showed me that? I felt pity for the fool who is building it for himself. Pity. Now that’s a different thing to feel for someone of such wealth, huh? I couldn’t help but shake my head at all the possibilities that money could have had. It is being wasted — literally wasted — on a fancy hunk of floating metal.

Oh, that boat will bring that person pleasure. It will be fun. It will be a conversation piece. It will be a means to one up someone. It will impress many. It will cause envy. Somebody will get a pat on the back and an “atta boy” for that mound of luxury.

But will it feed hundreds of thousands of starving children?

Will it save the lives of tiny orphan baby girls suffering in lonely beds in China?

Will it pay off the debt of a struggling single mom who desperately needs a break?

Will it ensure an inner city kid with his head on right and good grades gets in to college?

Will it provide scholarships and opportunities to people striving to make something of themselves by trying to get an education?

Will it be given to a worthy cause such as the fight to find a cure for cancer, cystic fibrosis, diabetes, herpes, AIDS, or the common cold?

Or will it be wasted?

I pitied that fool for building that boat. I walked away after shaking my head at the wastefulness of that kind of spending with this final thought. That person’s reward is here and now. That boat is his reward. But my reward, and the reward of countless others, is in Heaven.

I’d rather have the Heavenly gift. Enjoy your boat, dude.

Why has God stirred my soul like this? Why have my views changed so much? Why do I think of such things?

Because I asked Him into my life.

I surrender to Him…

Daily!

Surrender to the Lord and watch your life turn upside down and sideways. It’s really awesome! So awesome that it cannot be described — only experienced — like becoming a mother.

Give it a try. I promise you’ll like it. You’ll become addicted to it. Surrender to Him.

What is Easter to You? March 22, 2008

This?

Or this?

Or this?

Or all three?

In the Middle March 21, 2008

Well folks I am right in the middle of interpreting a poem for my class on Monday. I have to write a 600 to 800 word essay on one of my choosing. I am halfway done with my rough draft and decided to come on here to take a short break. One more week of poetry and then we’re on to drama. I can’t believe there are only 5 more classes left (actually only 4 because the last one is the final exam).

Another semester almost gone with craziness all around me. I’ll be happy to pull a B in this class. It’s been tough, and moving in the midst hasn’t made it any easier – add to that being sick, the kids being sick (repeatedly), a major holiday, Jeremy’s birthday (next week), Rich working a job and a half, and a research paper I haven’t even started on a book I absolutely hate. I am soooo looking forward to the summer break. I am not taking any classes in the summer. Depending on Rich’s work load this fall, I may also take an entire semester off. Not that I want it to take that much longer to get my degree, but I am overwhelmed right now and I’m only taking ONE class. For crying out loud!! Ya know??!!!!

Easter will be way low key this weekend. We’ve invited friends of ours who have no family in the area to join us for fun and food. I am praying my kids are healthy by Sunday. At least no more fevers or diarrhea or green snot. A mild cough I can deal with. But if they are still sick like this even our Easter plans will be called off. I have pretty much decided not to take them to church. With their weakened immune systems, the last thing I need is for them to get sick all over again. Not gonna happen. I absolutely hate to miss church, but such is life right now.

Anyway, thanks for the break. Now I can interpret the last 8 lines of the poem.

Sleep well and good health to all!