Get Me Over This, Dear God! Please! April 30, 2008

Yesterday as I drove to WalMart for some diapers since my 2 year old has decided to completely relapse on the whole potty training issue, my mind wandered over to this here blog of mine. I have quite a few things developing in my skull for topics to post on. Most are just blips and not full thoughts yet. I’ll allow them to develop. I usu pray that God will use me. I try to allow Him to do His work in me before I bring anything up, esp the controversial stuff. Esp when it’s personal controversial stuff that I have had to struggle with at some point in my life. For those of you who are new to my site, you can see my posts about an alcoholic ex-husband, miscarriage, memorial tattoo (here and here), herpes, forgiveness, crystal meth, drug use, and wrath — just to name a few (click on the blue words to see the posts).

Today I am going to talk about something that gets my blood boiling. It’s a relationship I have and my failure in it. I’m sure this is probably another lesson in humility and forgiveness.

Forgiveness - I harp on this one a lot. I have to admit that I can carry a rather large chip on my shoulder for a long time. Just ask her. To other people, I have described our relationship as “water and oil”. We butt heads a lot. Recently, she infuriated me in the deepest way one could. I have often wondered, since that incident, if someone else had said or done what she said and did would I have reacted the same way? Truthfully, I don’t really know. But somewhere deep inside I think I probably wouldn’t have. So is there some sort of deep-seated resentment that I carry from somewhere back in time that causes me to so get so hurt so easily by her? Do my emotions really hang in the balance that thinly when it comes to her? Do I really need her approval or acceptance that much? Why does she get under my skin like that? Why do I worry over her? What is wrong with me? Is it really her… or [gasp] is it really me? Introspective chatter there. I have an unresolved issue somewhere that needs to be resolved in order for me to get over this; whatever “this” is. I need to move on to forgiveness.

What is stopping me?

What is the problem?

Do I love her too little?

Or

Do I love her too much?

Too much because she breaks my heart so easily?

How do I find the answers? How do I forgive and turn the other way? How do I make it not hurt me?

How?

The Public Lynching of Miley Cyrus April 29, 2008

Get           Off           Her          Back

She’s a child

She’s a good girl

She’s a Christian

John 8:7 …[Jesus said] “If any one of you is without sin, let him be the first to throw a stone at her.”

Awesome Post with an equally Awesome Message April 29, 2008

As I mentioned, I am working my way around the blogosphere reading many, many new blogs (new to me anyway). I have found some SUPER fantastic ones. Here is a post from one that made me cry so hard. If you are not a Christian, you probably won’t like it. If you are, then you will LOVE it. The name of the blog is “Stuff Christians Like”. The title of the post is “#183 The movie ‘The Passion of the Christ’” (click on title and you will go straight there).

Gotta go on my morning walk before the kids kill each other. Or something like that.

I’ll post again later. Now that school is out I have so much more time to spend online with my family!

Our Handsome Son April 28, 2008

Make a slideshow - it’s easy!

 Jeremy - the little genius boy. Enjoy!

Our Pretty Girl April 28, 2008

Make a slideshow - it’s easy!

 

When you get to the new window you must click on PLAY at the bottom left.

This is our Brianna Lyn. Our firstborn.

English Lit Final April 28, 2008

It’s tonight. I am boycotting studying. Instead, I am finding new blogs (and some very cool ones that I may someday add to the “Blogs of Fantabulousness”). I have studied all I can. I pass every pseudo test Rich can give me. Only missed one question last time. I just have to remember that Shakespeare’s sonnets are English not Italian. Why do I keep getting that stupid question wrong? Rich told me to remember his first name is William, not Tony and his last name is Shakespeare, not Pincacelli. He makes me laugh so now I will never forget that Shakespeare’s sonnets are English. HA!!!

Wish me luck!!

Baby Dancing April 27, 2008

Here’s hoping it worked!

Initially, I really wasn’t sure about sharing this with all of you. My fear of losing another baby made me feel that I wouldn’t want to endure the pain of having to explain another loss. The phone call I made to my husband after the dreadful ultrasound from the parking lot of the doctor’s office to tell him our baby had died was the worst thing in the world for me. The 2nd phone call I made to my dad was the 2nd worst thing in the world for me. I doubt either man will ever forget it. I know I won’t. I think if my dad could have crawled through the phone to get to me he would have. My parents lost 4 babies through miscarriage. He understood perfectly what had just hit me, how hard, and exactly how deep my pain was right then. And that is precisely what I needed at that moment. I think my husband was just speechless. Dumbfounded. Bewildered.

I have said before that I won’t spread the word of my next confirmed pregnancy until I feel like we are out of the woods. There will be a lot more testing in the first trimester this time around. Blood, urine, ultrasound. If I start to spot, things could get very bad for me emotionally. The 8 1/2 week marker will be a very nerve-wracking time. That’s when I lost the last one. I know I’ll be feeling like “just get me to 12 weeks” the whole time. Then when I fail the glucose test (which I will b/c I’ve had gestational diabetes twice now), I will be all nervous again with more tests esp at the end: blood, urine, heart monitor for the baby, ultrasound, contraction monitor for me, etc. Not to mention, I will be 35 next month. That puts me in the “mature mommy” category. This means I will have the choice to do an extra ultrasound for Downs Syndrome along with the regular AFP tests as well as an amniocentesis (think very looong needle thru my stomach into the amniotic sac for fluid that surrounds the baby — a potentially dangerous procedure which I will probably decline anyway).

Getting pregnant is the fun (and easy) part. Staying pregnant is the challenge.

I am sure I will be sharing this journey to growing our family by one more. Most of you know by now that I am not shy. Nor do I find many things to be strictly personal. I am a pretty open book over here. Not easily embarrassed either. Well, unless you want me to speak in front of people. Heh! That’s when I clam up and shut down. Anyway, I will let all of you know once we have told our closest family and friends.

So stay tuned. Rich and I are still “baby dancing” about every other day. I have been told that after a miscarriage women are usually pretty fertile. We shall see. It has been 4 1/2 months since our baby died. Long enough to start trying and short enough to still be fertile; if that isn’t an Old Wives Tale. My monthly cycles are all whacko screwy right now too, so I have no real idea when to expect my period. What I’ll probably do us wait to test until I’m at 40 days if no signs of menstruation by then. Don’t hold your breath b/c I have quite a way to go before I’m 40 days into it.

Please keep praying. I appreciate prayer more than I can express.

Thanks.

PS: I am so humbled that I have an audience. You precious souls tipped my board over 5000 hits today! I wish I knew who the 5000th person was. That would be neat! When I started this I was afraid to put a stats counter on here. I didn’t think I’d get 1000 hits in a year. Thank you for reading Candid Chatter. Please come often and please comment. I LOOOVE comments!

It’s a Hoax April 27, 2008

Please        Do        NOT          Believe            This         Picture!

It’s a hoax. It’s an ad campaign for a Private Investigator TV show.

It’s old.

It’s over.

The End.

Technical Absurdity April 27, 2008

So the “God With Us” video isn’t working. Sorry. It is working from YouTube’s site. I don’t know. Sometimes these Internet functions baffle me.

Pardon my technical difficulty.

Visit MercyMe’s website anyway (just click on their name right here in this fancy post). They truly are a funny group of guys!

God With Us by MercyMe April 26, 2008

I was going to save this for tomorrow. But - well - I think there is no time like the present.

My current favorite song by my ALL TIME favorite band MercyMe. Check out their blog. They are intensely funny. Check out my side bar to your right under Blogs of Fantabulousness and click on ‘em.