Evolution of Motherhood May 12, 2008

When I had Brianna, my firstborn:

• I sterilized everything
• If a pacifier fell on the floor I would not let her suck on it again until it had been sterilized.
• I washed her bedding and changing station every 2 days
• I got peed on, pooped on, and spit up on a lot
• I decided I no longer liked my cats and one by one starting planning their disappearances
• Sabrina (the pretty but stupid cat) started sleeping in her pack-n-play and hissed at her. Took that dumb, ignorant, sorry, stupid cat to the Humane Society the very next day. She’s lucky I didn’t kick her.
• I warned Sampson (the smart cat with a crooked tail) that he had better just watch it! He took me seriously, I could tell. He was smart as a whip, that one.
• I put her in her bouncy seat in the bathroom while I showered. Or I didn’t shower until she was asleep.
• I read all the books about raising intelligent babies. I did tummy time even though she hated it. I coaxed her to roll over and video taped it when she finally did it on her own. I was so excited!
• I held her and held her and held her. I rocked her and rocked her and rocked her. I sang and sang and sang. I read and read and read to her (still do).
• I did a lot of things one-handed. I learned how to wash my hands one at a time and got pretty darn good at it. I had to learn this because I was always holding her.
• If she cried I did everything I could to help her stop. That’s probably why I held her so much. She cried a lot (still does).
• I took her to the doctor every week. Ok - several times a week.
• I fed her nothing but Similac formula.
• I diapered her with nothing but Pampers.
• I dressed her in nothing but Gymboree (practically).
• I adore her every breath.

When I had Jeremy, my second born:

• I sterilized things when they first came out of the package for the first 3 months. After that, a good washing with some soapy water did the trick. Who has time to sterilize?
• If he dropped his pacifier on the floor I would run it under the faucet in some hot water.
• I washed his bedding whenever he peed or pooped on it.
• I got peed on once. He peed on the wall or himself a few times. I finally got the hang of a baby with a weiner and no more peeing on anyone. He never pooped on me. I learned that lesson. Spit up was not as severe as Brianna’s reflux, but I never went without a burp cloth. I learned that one too.
• Sampson ran away. He had had enough I suppose. I rejoiced! Rich was upset (he loved that cat — I did too before I had kids). Brianna was disappointed too. Again, I rejoiced!!
• I put him in his bouncy seat in the bathroom while I showered too. This was to keep his sister away from him. She was all of 19 months when he was born. I didn’t want her to kill him or anything.
• What are books? He watches Baby Einstein. He’s a genius. Who needs books? Ok, ok, I do read to him before naps and bedtime. Geesh!
• I laid him down every chance I got. The boy squirmed. He did that in utero and he does it still. Squirmy little tyke. He wore me out and made my back hurt.
• If he cried for no good reason, I ignored him unless he sounded like he’d gag on his own throat. He is better adjusted and calmer than his sister. Now what is up with that?
• I realized all those mommy books are lies.
• He goes to the doctor on his regularly scheduled check-ups unless I’m torn between giving him Children’s Motrin or going to the ER.
• I fed him Parents Choice (Walmart brand) Organic Formula and it cost $10 less than Similac
• I diapered him in whatever was on sale: Pampers or Huggies. Now I diaper him in Publix generic brand. The generic works just as good as the other kinds and costs HALF as much. The third child doesn’t stand a chance now.
• I was less concerned with tummy time. I didn’t worry about him rolling over. He sat on his own without much help. He started talking about the time he started crawling. By the time he was walking he was doing 2 to 3 word sentences. Now he’s a walking, talking, running, jumping, climbing, kicking, crazy funny, little genius boy.
• He wears whatever is given to him or on sale at Macy’s, Walmart, Target, or Boomerang consignment.
• He stole my heart and I hope he never gives it back.

When the third child is born… ?? But I’ll bet I won’t even run the dang pacifier under water. I’ll probably just wipe it on my shirt and carry on.