I Only Want Your Approval, Lord October 16, 2009

Decisions October 15, 2009

In No Particular Order

Can you name 5 difficult decisions you have had to make in your life?
Here are five of mine.

1. Divorcing my ex-husband
2. Moving to Florida 4 1/2 yrs ago
3. Going against the norm and standing firm in my beliefs regarding certain holiday traditions
4. Not homeschooling
5. Not pushing for adoption. On the flip side, pushing for Jaxon.

How about 5 stupid decisions?
Again, here are a few of mine.

1. Smoking pot in the high school bathroom during art class (I did not get caught, but if I had…!!)
2. Going in that car alone with my ex-husband before he was even my husband.
3. Breaking off my friendship with Sheila b/c I loathed her husband. May she rest in peace.
4. Moving out of my parent’s house when I was 18.
5. Driving my dad’s Camaro to the mall the first day I got my license after he told me not to. I wrecked it.

Now let’s do 5 of the best decisions you have made.
Mine are…

1. Marrying Rich
2. Having kids
3. Becoming a stay-at-home Mom
4. Going back to school
5. Becoming a born-again Christian

Your turn!

I See God in His Eyes October 13, 2009

I am not sure if I can articulate this properly. I hope my post does the reality of answered prayer justice.

Two years ago a dream was shattered. With the honesty of my husband’s heart becoming a burden to mine, I sought God’s will more fervently than ever before. I had, for about 4 years, dreamed of the opportunity to adopt internationally. Shortly after our beautiful Brianna Lyn was born, I felt the unmistakable call on my life to make a place for an orphan in my family. Rich agreed. However, I now believe he agreed reluctantly.

I believed so strongly in a Chinese girl as my daughter that I felt several times, and in various ways, that God was confirming it in my soul. Mostly, he was putting me in touch with people who had adopted internationally; specifically from China. I fell in love with their gorgeous daughters.

Several years later, when I started contacting adoption agencies and watching doors slam shut on China (my chosen country), my husband told me the truth. He did not want to adopt. In fact, he did not want more children at all. We had our Brianna and our Jeremy, who was born 18 1/2 months after her, and he was satisfied with that.

I was deeply disturbed. Depressed. Shocked. Unsettled. For the first time since I married him, I wondered if I had made a mistake. My feelings weren’t totally rational. I am telling you exactly how I felt, so please don’t judge me.

We took a trip to Arizona in October of 2007 to say goodbye to my ailing Grandmother. Soon after we got home, Rich took a business trip. While he was gone I discovered I was pregnant. We did not plan for it and it was very unexpected. I was elated.

Shorter version. In December of 2007, we lost that baby via miscarriage which I have written about repeatedly over the last 2 years. But, while I was pregnant, I prayed for a healthy blue-eyed baby.

When I got pregnant with Jaxon in April of ‘08, I prayed for a healthy baby sans the blue eyes. I refused to pray for blue eyes because I felt that was a silly and selfish prayer and who really cared if the baby had any eyes at all. I just wanted a baby. Again, rational thinking eluded me from time to time.

“Please, God, let this one live.”

We had several complications throughout my pregnancy thinking at one point that our baby was positive for Downs Syndrome. Thankfully, he was born a healthy and robust and normal baby. All the drama during the pregnancy was just that… drama.

Jaxon turned 9 months old today. He is still healthy and robust. He has added so much joy to our lives that I cannot begin to describe it to you. If you have children, you know what I mean. He is amazing. They are all amazing.

And, all three of my kids were born with blue eyes. Brianna’s changed to hazel soon after she turned 4 months old. Jeremy’s turned to brown by the time he was 5 months old. But, Jaxon’s have remained blue — becoming even more vibrant in color as he has grown.

One morning I had Jaxon on my bed and we were alone. I looked him deep in the eyes and I swear to you I saw God. My heart nearly leapt out my chest. I felt goosebumps run through my entire body.

“There He is. I see.”

In the bright blue eyes of my son, I saw God. Maybe you don’t understand. Maybe you think I’ve lost my mind. But, I can assure you that every single time I stare into the eyes of my Baby Jack I see God staring back at me.

Jaxon is not God. I am not saying that he is a holy human. No. Make no mistake.

But, Jaxon’s eyes are my gift… my promise… my assurance…

…from Him. And, only Him. Because only He could give such a thing to me.

…just like Noah’s rainbow.

God answers prayers even when we don’t pray them.
He knows our hearts and it gives Him pleasure
to show us He hears.

Sarah, Hannah, and Rachel would all agree.
God hears the cries of His children.

Cry out to Him.

Honesty October 9, 2009

Are you always honest? Can you tell the truth even when the truth hurts?

Not me.

I strive to be as honest as possible — sometimes to a fault. But, there are times when I decide it is better to lie than to tell the truth. I decide this when I think the truth will hurt someone.

I explained to my kids about eating healthy foods and why we try to do this as often as possible. If their diet was left up to them, they would eat nothing but McDonalds and candy and ice cream.

I avoided the word “fat” for a long time. Finally, the other day in the car, I explained what “fat” meant.  I used examples of people they know so they would understand the physique of a healthy person vs. the physique of an unhealthy person… a fat person, if you will.

Well, I try very hard to be honest with my kids. I am of the belief that if they catch me lying to them about one thing, then why should they believe me with anything else. I want them to trust me entirely.

A few days later, we were at the dollar store. Standing in line, two people in front of us, was a woman who was obese. My normally quiet and reserved 5 year old daughter suddenly piped up.
“Mom, is that lady fat?”

Ugh!

The guy in front of me and behind the “fat” lady chuckled under his breath. I was not chuckling. I was mortified. I shushed my daughter which made her cry. She wasn’t intentionally being mean or rude. She was asking me a matter of fact question about what I had just taught her a few days before.

Ugh!

The lady ignored us, but I’d bet $100 that she heard my little girl. I am thankful she ignored the comment, but I hurt on my insides for her. When we got in the car I had to explain to my kids that saying a person is “fat” is not a nice thing to announce. Yes, that woman was fat, but it is not nice to say it to her. It hurts people’s feelings, even when it is obvious to the world that they are unhealthy, to be called “fat”.

What would I have done if the woman had not ignored the comment? I have no idea. I guess I would have had to apologize for not teaching my daughter that calling someone “fat” was rude and so on.

When I talk about being fat to my friends and husband, I don’t necessarily want them to agree with me. I don’t want them to pump too much sunshine, but a little sunshine is ok.

See.

Even I don’t want the truth coming from anyone other than the lady in the mirror when it comes to my own physique.

So. Honesty.
When is it not good?
Or, is it always good?

According to God, honesty is good all of the time w/out exception.

Ugh!

She Set Me Free October 2, 2009

The Lord has done some changing in my heart towards my family. I guess I needed to lose a sibling in the midst of a silly argument in order to better appreciate the remaining five. Believe it or not, it has almost been a solid year since that incident, and my brother still refuses to forgive me. Until today, that tore my heart strings. I was especially bitter at him for ignoring my children and for cutting us off from his.

I have 2 brothers and 4 sisters. I am the oldest of seven. Our parents, thankfully, have been married for over 37 years. We were all raised, for the most part, in the same house. We all went to the same schools. We all knew the same people.

Over the years we have had our fun and our fights. More fun than fights, thank goodness. And, one of my sisters has made my blood boil on more occasions than I’d like to admit. In fact, I was so hurt by something she said in the not so distant past that I actually toyed with the idea of not going to our other sister’s wedding in order to avoid her. Thankfully, with the aid of my ever-forgiving, well-grounded, faithful, and understanding husband, I reluctantly came to my senses. I am so glad I did.

Fast-forward.

Over the course of the past several weeks, I have been in contact with my sister more than usual. We have had a couple of heart-to-heart conversations. I have listened to her. Did you catch that? Yes, I said “listened”. I squashed my ego and pride and listened to someone whom I have always just heard. You know the difference between hearing and listening, I’m sure.

So all this time I have held these grudges, not particularly realizing that’s what I was doing, when instead I could have enjoyed a fulfilling relationship with her.

She set me free today — and last week. Or, maybe it was 2 weeks ago. Some things she said that she was completely on the mark about set me free from internal struggles that seemed insurmountable. My tension is gone. My stress is reduced. My feelings are no longer being hurt. And, so on.

I was burdened by garbage that seems so trivial now. You know what they say about hindsight.

The hardest part is this, though… I was doing this to myself. I am very aware now that these emotions were consuming me because of me. I was under the control of my anger and I was allowing that to happen.

Heh.

Thank you, H. I love you. I’m grateful for you. I am looking forward to this. All of it.

And, to the rest of you… be careful about WHY you get hurt or angry. It might have nothing to do with the person you think it does. It might have EVERYthing to do with y.o.u.

Be well.

Learning the Hard Way September 27, 2009

I wish I could say that was how I used to be.
Not so much. I still tend to learn the hard way.

However, I am figuring this whole keep your mouth shut thing can really be good. Ha! No, seriously, though.

I almost retaliated the other day. I came close. I also almost got a whole bunch of people involved in something that reared its ugly head exactly once. I never heard another word about it. Not one.

I remember one time a person keyed my car in the parking lot of Wal-Mart. I was TICKED the heck off. I had a Volvo and I so loved that car. It may have been a pride thing too b/c I soooooOOOOOO loved that car.
Anyway.
I came out and saw slashed all down the driver’s side door and front panel a nice chuck O’ key mark.

I went home and called Wal-Mart because I knew they had security cameras in the parking lot. It was broad daylight. The manager told me if I made a police report and they wanted to see the video she would release it, but that was the only way to go about it. Fine.

I called the police and the jerk-off cop told me it didn’t look like a key mark to him. He suggested someone ran into my car with a cart. Uh. There were no dents. Just a scratttttttchhhhhh as long as my leg.

Anyway. I was mad. Really mad. I even called the cop back, but lucky for him (or maybe that’s lucky for me) he wasn’t there.

So, I prayed and gave the entire situation to God. Long story short. I ended up getting hit by a truck (gentle like backing into me type of hit) on that scratch and that person had to pay to repair my car and so bye-bye scratch and that was that. I was happy again.

And, I still loved my Volvo. But, now it’s gone.

I gave my most recent bad, ugly, rotten situation over to God. I’ll admit that I like to take it back and chew on it from time to time, but that is happening less and less. I truly do pray for the people who verbally assaulted me. And, you know what… I don’t even think anyone noticed. If they did, nobody let on.

I’m learning. Maybe I’m a slow learner. Maybe. But, it doesn’t matter how fast I learn as long as I do. Right?

Happy Sunday! See you soon.

Writing September 25, 2009

If you were given the chance

to

write a book

or

participate in the writing of a book

no matter

if

it flew off the virtual shelves

at

Amazon.com

or

just sat proudly on your own

dusty

coffee table…

Would You?

Projecting September 24, 2009

I try very hard to protect other people from things that make me uncomfortable. I am sensitive by nature. I take things personally that I shouldn’t. I don’t even know I’m doing it, most of the time, unless someone points it out to me.

Because of my sensitivity to certain things, I try to be sure to be as humble and kind as I can towards people when I have to let them down. I try to do it gently.

If I offend someone it quite possibly and quite literally can and will make me sick to my stomach. I might even lose sleep over it until the situation is resolved and forgiveness is achieved.

Recently, I have been unfairly attacked because of my faith. I say “unfairly” because the individuals doing the attacking are also publicly lying about me in the process. I’m not sure how they are scheming these stories, but they are and that’s a fact. I’m not even sure I can tell you why this started. I have my suspicions, but I have no solid proof. In other words, neither of these people have said to me “I hate your guts and this is why”. I’ve just been pinpointed and venomously under fire. I know it is faith-based persecution because of what has been revealed to me (which is very little… just a lot of mean and hateful e-mails which I have not responded to).

Slander. The dictionary defines this as a false and malicious statement or report about someone.
And, that is precisely what is happening.
And, I have no means of defense. If I did, I don’t think it would be wise to try. I might just make the situation worse when what I really want to do is make it go away. Feeding fuel to the fire isn’t such a good idea.

I think the deeper part of the matter is that these individuals are so desperately angry and hostile and jealous that hatred has settled in their hearts. I walked innocently through the woods and tripped the hidden wire and now all artillary is pointed in my direction. They were looking for bait and I am the chosen target. They are projecting their self-hatred and sad lives onto me and they hate me for it. At least, that’s what I think.

We project our inner hatred onto others. I hate being fat so it’s hard for me not to be jealous of thin women. I don’t hate them for being thin, I am just jealous of them and it’s a sickening feeling. That’s one example. You can come up with your own.

I hate that I have a short temper and when I hear some lady getting short with her kids in public I think “what a nasty woman” in my head, when in all reality that is me I see and I don’t like it.

Projecting. It can be a good thing… as in being overly sensitive when someone gets hurt or offended. But, it can also be a bad thing. Like when I dislike someone because I see me in them or something I want that they have and it makes me bitter inside.

I am aware. And, even though these people intend harm — good is happening. Lots of it. And prayer is happening. Lots of it.

Please pray for these people, my enemies, who are purposely hurtful in their words and deeds. They lack the love in their lives and joy in their hearts that I have found in my faith and my life. They need rescued. Hate is a horrible emotion. Jealousy is right up there fueling the fire. It’s ugly.

Thank you.

James 1:2-3
Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds,
because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance.

Cussing Christians September 21, 2009

What do you think about that?
I invite you to be blatantly honest whether you are a believer or NOT a believer.
What do you think when you hear a Christian cuss?
Are you a cussing Christian?

I’ll admit that I cuss from time to time. I am quite aware of it when I do, too, which strikes me at an odd angle.
When I first became a born-again Christian I stopped cussing.
But, that wore off after awhile.
It happens (the cussing) more when I am totally relaxed and when I am angry.
Strange, eh?

I still get offended when I hear the “F” word, though. No matter who says it.
I reserve that word for EXTREME anger. But, when I say it, it makes me feel like my integrity just dropped in the bucket. KerPlunk! When I hear it I usually think a bit less of the person who just said it. I really don’t like that word at all. But, that’s me.

I also can’t stand it when a person who is at their job serving me in some fashion uses any type of off-color language. A nurse that I had a good rapport with at the hospital where I had Jaxon cussed so much I wanted to cover my newborn’s ears. I felt scandalized even though I really liked her. Her mouth was a huge turn off. I was happy when her shift was over.

Anyway… what say you?

Getting ME Back September 20, 2009

So I go through periods of time (short, thankfully) where I feel downhearted. Not completely overwhelmed with depression, but feelings of darkness. The last two weeks have been like that. Sorta.

Last night I either had a dream or I had a moment of lucidity as I tossed back onto my back to keep the snot in my head and not on my pillow. I have a cold. Again.
So I had this moment of seeing myself; not as I am, but as I long to be.

Healthy.

I was fit. I had muscle tone. I had a tan. I was smiling. I had energy. I was full of life.
And, I realized right then and there that the person I was seeing IS me.
And, even though I’m going through this rough patch of feeling like my body has fallen apart, it really is just that… a rough patch. Because I am not comfortable with fat. I do not tolerate unhealthy. I am not lazy nor am I a glutton.

So I am over it. If you see me today, I am over 150 pounds. I feel fat. I feel ugly. I feel like I am barely making it most days because I have no energy and I keep getting sick. I have felt stuck in this yuck for over a year. And. I am SO done feeling this way.

I will breastfeed Jaxon for exactly 4 more months. I have to say that for the first 10 weeks I thought of breastfeeding as a loving sacrifice. After that, I felt extremely happy that I stuck it out because I started to really love it. In fact, I loved it so much that when I had to start feeding my son baby food from a jar I was upset and I cried because he wouldn’t need me at the breast as much. Now that he is 8 months old and I feel like half of a normal human being again, I want to be done. It is now just a convenience for me. I don’t see it necessary emotionally for either of us. It is the greatest form of nutrition for him and that I will never deny. But, emotionally we don’t need it anymore. It feels like I’m just feeding him now. I don’t know how to describe it, really. I guess “routine” is a good word to describe how it feels.

Anyway… I don’t consider nursing my son the reason for my downheartedness. Don’t get me wrong. But, the nursing has kept me in this state of being that I am unhappy with. I can’t take certain meds to feel better, it is taxing my immune system despite what you “experts” say, I am still  fat so the magic breastfeeding-makes-the-weight-melt-off is baloney in my book… and on and on. Because of the extra weight my foot is not healing the way it should. I can’t lose without using my foot. It’s a vicious cycle that is tiring me to the core.

And, before anyone starts  bashing me for eating fast food… find another chick to assault. I am a vegetarian 3/4 of the time. I only consume fish occasionally and my diet is well-rounded with my carbohydrate intake consisting primarily of fiber rich, whole grains and fruits. Save yourself the aggrivation of trying to pinpoint my problem as being anything other than breastfeeding. Pregnancy sucks and robs me of my nutrition and it has become apparant that breastfeeding does the same thing to me. It’s awful.

I didn’t realize until recently that one very important part of my mental well-being is my physical well-being. The two are intricately tied. Since I feel sluggish and I hate the way I look with my fat stomach and fat rear end… I am not healthy emotionally either.

Sure other things work their way into that equation, but the main thing is that I am physically unhealthy. Everything else is just another ingredient.

Awareness.

I am glad I see this now. It is relieving in a sense. I probably have about a year left of being “this” way physically. I am not done nursing Jack until January and, even then, weening is a process.

A woman once told me that it took her 3 years to get her body back after her last child was born. She breastfed too. I hope it doesn’t take 3 years. But, I will do what it takes to get mine back.

Healthy. Vibrant. Strong.
That is me. I am ready.