Candid Chatter

Just Say It

Delete February 12, 2008

Filed under: Life... The Way I See It — candidchatter @ 2:19 pm
Tags: , ,

I deleted the last post because it was stupid. Totally stupid. Who really cares?

I am having SUCH a bad day today. Crying for no reason. Ticked off at everything.

I just want to go away for a little while. I need a break. Like yesterday! I am always on the job. Know what my breaks are? School. When most people get a break they watch TV or go ride a bike or drink a beer. I go to school, study, do homework, read and read and read. That is not a break folks!

I think I am still upset over losing my baby. I think it is really weighing heavily on me lately. Cry, sob, cry, sob. I am a mess today. Angry. Hurt.

I might be ovulating. I don’t want to be ovulating. Every time I ovulate I think about the baby. Every period I am angry again. Every little thing about my fertility makes me so stinking MAD AS HECK right now.

Cry, sob, cry — try to suck it up. Then get mad. Cry.

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8 Responses to “Delete”

  1. Melissa Says:

    Aw, sweetie!! I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I get upset sometimes, too. I am waiting those 6 months, but it’s killing me. I want to be pregnant now. I see those moms I would have been pregnant with getting bigger and bigger and it makes me think about it. I hope you get a nap today. I’m going to get one here soon. I wish I could meet you at Starbucks! Yawwwn. I really hope you feel better soon. I hate to think of you as sad or hurt.
    Love.

  2. candidchatter Says:

    Thanks Melissa. I would have loved to have met you at Starbucks. I just got back. It’s right down the street so a quick trip. I need to get some caffeine before I fall asleep w/my head on the desk. The kids will be up in 1/2 an hour and I am making lunch.

    Truly what helps the most is that you really understand the kind of day this is. Dark. Cold. Gloomy. Sad. Depressing.

    Thanks for commenting. I need you right now. You and all the ladies who understand what this is like. XO!!

  3. Mel Says:

    Aw, you deleted it? You say who cares about that stuff…I DO! I love all your posts- the deep posts that make me think, the touching ones that make me cry- and the trivial ones that help me learn a little more about my dear friend and feel like I know you better even though you are so far away!
    I know those days when you cry for no reason- I have them often. I think we are more alike than I originally thought! Do you still have my number? Remember you can call any time!! For any reason, even if it is just to vent or escape from reality a little bit! I’m good for a laugh or 2!

  4. candidchatter Says:

    I almost called you today Melanie. But you are dealing with so much. My problems seem itty bitty in comparison. Then I check out Nathan’s blog and I feel guilty for being sad.

    I almost called you though. I did.

    We do have a lot in common. Heaven is going to be awesome, girl. We’ll get to spend as much time together as we want (I think). And no more sad.

    HLR

  5. Mel Says:

    Heidi- please know that no matter what I am dealing with, what you are going through is every bit as important to me! I very well remember how I felt after having my miscarriage before getting pregnant with Ashlyn- all the months of hurt and confusion and anger. It took time, but God saw me through it. As always! Please don’t let what’s going on in my life stand in the way of you unloading on me!! 🙂

  6. candidchatter Says:

    Thank you Mel — it means the world. You’re an awesome friend.

    You’re all awesome friends.

    Much Love!

  7. christyna Says:

    I am so sorry that your schedule doesn’t let you take a break, and I know how you feel. especially the every month ovulating and getting af…it’s like a reminder of what happened or the fact that it didn’t happen. I hate being a girl sometimes. I would definitely join you for that proverbial beer and break…in fact you probably should just make the time and do it…it will help a little. Good luck.

  8. candidchatter Says:

    Thanks Christyna (I love the unique spelling of your name btw). I am feeling better today. It’s still raining and gloomy outside, but the news of the house yesterday has cheered me up some. No tears so far. That’s a good sign.

    Have you miscarried too? I am sorry for your loss, honey, if you have. It’s awful. Absolutely heartbreaking horrible.

    Think of this — an ice cold beer on the cliff of a beautiful mountain with nothing but nature ringing in our ears. Pretend with me. Ahhhh. Now isn’t that lovely?

    Snap! Back to reality and now I have to go clean up the kitchen. 😉

    Thanks for commenting!


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