I find it thoroughly interesting that for 6 solid weeks my tattoo has been all the rage on my site (look to the right on my sidebar under top posts — see it? — yep, since I started this journey it has been a top post). Literally, every single day someone looks at it at least twice in the picture I posted. The post, and others related to that final one, gets an average of 10 hits per day. Some days it gets almost 20 hits. There are a myriad of searches done on different search engines for “miscarriage tattoo”, “memorial tattoo”, “baby angel tattoo”, “angel tattoo”, and others. I can see these things when I check my blog stats. And every day I am amazed that it continues.
Many women have suffered a miscarriage. Many have suffered more than one. It’s almost a silent suffering for us because we are left with the monthly reminders that we are no longer pregnant — and so we still suffer. For how long? I guess that all depends on the individual. Maybe until the next baby arrives healthy and vibrant? Maybe it never stops. Maybe losing a child no matter if it was by choice, by chance, or by accident — maybe we never get over that.
Anyway, the tattoo has completely healed, I am happy to say. It looks awesome! I am a modest dresser so it doesn’t show outside of my clothes other than when I’m around the house in my nightgown or if I am wearing a tank top. When I know I’m going to be in the sun any length of time I keep it covered because getting a tan (or, worse, a burn) over a tattoo can do damage to it. I still ask Rich to put lotion on it after I shower, but other than that it’s life as usual. It doesn’t itch anymore either which is fantastic b/c I was really starting to get tired of not being able to scratch between my shoulder blades. Tomorrow marks 4 weeks since I got it. And I still love it!
Let this be a reminder to each of you who reads this. Women who suffer miscarriages don’t get over it in a week or two. It is a deeply felt loss. It takes time to work through the pain and disappointment. It’s a hard thing to believe when you’re faced with it in the doctor’s office or while bleeding it out on the toilet. It is physically painful for women who choose (or had no choice) to allow it to happen naturally. Having a D&C is no picnic either. Waiting to go into surgery frayed my emotions. I had so many doubts and worries wondering if I was doing the right thing. Going home knowing what happened during the procedure and knowing that my baby was no longer in my body was heartwrenching. Trying to lose that weight I had gained has been an uphill battle (and I still haven’t lost it all). Packing away the maternity clothes I had just started to wear brought me to my knees. The fact that I still can’t fit into my normal size is a daily reminder of what happened. The fact that I have had a period every month since is another painful reminder of my loss.
I don’t dwell on it. I seriously don’t. But it has caused a change in me. I can feel the tug of depression. I still carry the weight upon my shoulders. I still have days when I just want to curl up in bed and sleep and sleep and sleep. I am not the same.
But, if one person can be touched by what I’ve been through…
…well, let me just say I am glad to help. If you need help or just want to vent I will be here for you.
I love my baby. I prayed so hard for that baby. I hope someday to be able to share the entire story. But, for now, it’s too soon. Things of my past that I am over are not hard for me to conjure up for these posts. But this one thing is too fresh. It’s still very painful for me. I am still dealing with it.
So hang tight. I will share someday.
Have a wonderful night. And thanks, again, for visiting Candid Chatter. We arrived at 2000+ hits today. I am so completely touched by your visits! I truly am.