Candid Chatter

Just Say It

Denial April 11, 2008

Filed under: Life... The Way I See It — candidchatter @ 7:37 am
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Yesterday as I sipped coffee in my kitchen, I noticed the clock on my wall made of a China saucer that used to be in my Grandma’s China collection. My Uncle Rik is extremely talented and made some of her pieces of China into clocks. He then gave them to all the girls as gifts one Christmas. Mine has made it through 3 moves even though it is very delicate. It still works, and I totally love it!

Then I looked across the family room at a picture on the wall. It is a puzzle that my Grandma put together and had framed for me. She wrote on the back of it. It was meant as a Christmas present, but she died before Christmas.

On my neck hung a pear shaped diamond solitaire pendant she left for me after she passed away. There is a story behind the necklace that I was involved in and it touches me deeply that she left it for me. I was so stunned when I got it that I called my mom to be sure it wasn’t a mistake.

Finally, I was drawn to the pictures on my fridge. One is of my new little precious niece, Riley Brooke; one is of my friend’s sons; one is of the missionaries we help support in India; and two are of her – my Grandma.

That’s when it hit me.

I could trick myself into believing she is still alive. I know that sounds really weird so just hang with me a minute. My Grandma and I were soulmates. She didn’t live near me for the majority of my life. But it didn’t matter. I felt as close to her as if she lived right next door. She was my favorite relative outside of my immediate family. She was so real and so much fun. She didn’t pretend to be all cookies and cream with a cherry on top. I’ve seen her get really upset with my PopPop. We had some serious heart-to-heart talks during my divorce. She revealed some of her lifelong secrets to me then. She helped get me through the beginning of the end of my first marriage. She gave me the confidence I needed and the encouragement to keep going. She made me feel like it was “ok” to do what I was doing. My ex-husband was mean and controlling and manipulative. She understood me. At that time of my life, she was the only one who understood me.

But since I hardly saw my Grandma, I could trick my heart into forgetting that she died. I could just give myself that comfort if I wanted to that she is just in Arizona living her life and I am here in Florida living mine and I’ll see her someday if I ever get enough money to fly west.

That’s how it was. Even though I had this connection with her my entire life that cannot be described accurately, we didn’t live close by each other. I’d send e-mails and pictures of the kids. I also sent things they colored and put stickers on with little notes from me to her.

Wow. I miss my Grandma. I miss her, yet she’s not really gone.

But she is.

She’s gone.

Heaven will be wonderful. Why not today? Jesus, please come take us away…




2 Responses to “Denial”

  1. Lana Says:

    i’m crying…
    i know how you feel b/c I, too, can trick myself into thinking my dear sister-in-law was still on this earth

    for me, i think being at her funeral would have helped ease this surreal feeling I have…
    or as peculiar as this might seem, seeing a picture of her body in her casket is an image I try to create in my mind, but can’t quite grasp…

    when we go to Brazil, and I can finally touch her name on her tombstone, maybe that will help
    denial is easy
    reality is painful

  2. candidchatter Says:

    Closure seems important. But, in my heart, it really doesn’t do the trick properly. I saw my Grandma. Introduced her to my children. Knew that was the last time I’d see her this side of Heaven. Yet, the pain is still there.

    Same with the miscarriage. Closure was attempted in many ways. The ornament I bought for the Christmas tree. The tattoo. The prayers. Asking God to “kiss the baby for me”. All those things. Still — the pain persists.

    Time, Lana. We just need time.

    Have a safe weekend. I’ll be thinking of you!


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