I had another short-lived emotional breakdown yesterday while preparing breakfast for myself. The kids were off playing in Brianna’s bedroom and Rich was still sleeping. I walked to the fridge to put the eggs away and noticed with absolute clarity the two pictures of my Grandma. Big sad sigh. I stared at them for a moment remembering that summer when I was 12. I stayed with her in Georgia for a month. That was probably my most memorable vacation. In fact, this morning while lying in bed with my husband and squirmy little boy my mind drifted off to that vacation again. Another big sad sigh.
Anyway, I sat down at the table to pray over my food and thank God for my blessings when I crumbled. It has been a long time, it seems, since I asked God to kiss my baby for me. See the trigger? I get sad about one thing and it inevitably brings me to thoughts of that. So then I was all tears and “why” questions and feeling very sorry for myself. After about 2 minutes of blubbering in prayer to the Lord, I wiped the tears from my cheeks and eyes and regained my composure incase my kids came out of their play. I don’t like for them to see me cry too much because it worries them, esp Brianna.
I have been dreadfully hateful towards my husband for 2 solid days. Yesterday, I was also very short-tempered with my wonderful children. None of them deserves that. Why was I acting that way? I started soul-searching. As much as I hated to admit it to myself, it is because I am ready to try to conceive and I was afraid Rich would shoot me down. Incase I haven’t told you, he doesn’t want any more children. He is perfectly content with two – a girl and a boy. I am not and, for this human life, I will fight. I will not submit to him this time.
I come from a background of people who cherish human life. It’s not that my husband doesn’t, but his family has no trouble with “family planning”. His mom has made comments several times about how crazy people are who have “so many children”. She hasn’t a clue how this hurts me. She doesn’t mean it in a hurtful way either. I think she realizes SHE could never handle a big family so she can’t wrap her mind around those who do. My mom & dad raised seven children – I am the firstborn. My mom’s mom & dad raised 8 children – she’s the third born. My dad’s mom & dad raised 13 children – he’s the 4th born. Women in our family have been pregnant my whole life. It’s always someone.
I want 4 children, always have. Heck, my favorite number is 4. So strange to have a favorite number. Oh well, it is. Rich will have none of that. It was hard enough to convince him of two. Then we agreed on three. I can’t see 4 ever happening unless it’s the Hand of God. And it would have to be a miraculous conception because after the next baby I will have my tubes tied. Or adoption… which I am totally open to… however, Rich is not.
So last night when I went to bed Rich came in as usual to say good night. I was reading the Bible and tried to ignore him. It didn’t work. He was upset that I had been treating him so badly. Finally, I told him why. I told him that I am ready to try to make another baby and I was afraid of his response. He reminded me that I know how he feels, however, he will give in. See we both know once that baby is born he will be so in love with him/her just like he is with the two we already have. In that sense, it’s ok with him. But if left up to him we would be done. He looks at it from a financial point of view. I look at it from an emotional and spiritual point of view. In my opinion, this sheds a whole bunch of light on how differently we were raised in this area. In my family, babies weren’t planned around finances. My family just had them and prayed for God to provide. And He always did. His family plans their finances first. Nothing wrong with that, I guess (???). But, to me, it’s foolishness to pick money over human life. Absurd!
So please pray for us. Pray that Rich will have peace. Pray that I will be patient and kind and tenderhearted during the process. Pray that once pregnant I will have peace and won’t worry, esp during the first trimester.
Most importantly, please pray for the baby we are trying to conceive — that he or she will be healthy and normal.