Yesterday as I drove to WalMart for some diapers since my 2 year old has decided to completely relapse on the whole potty training issue, my mind wandered over to this here blog of mine. I have quite a few things developing in my skull for topics to post on. Most are just blips and not full thoughts yet. I’ll allow them to develop. I usu pray that God will use me. I try to allow Him to do His work in me before I bring anything up, esp the controversial stuff. Esp when it’s personal controversial stuff that I have had to struggle with at some point in my life. For those of you who are new to my site, you can see my posts about an alcoholic ex-husband, miscarriage, memorial tattoo (here and here), herpes, forgiveness, crystal meth, drug use, and wrath — just to name a few (click on the blue words to see the posts).
Today I am going to talk about something that gets my blood boiling. It’s a relationship I have and my failure in it. I’m sure this is probably another lesson in humility and forgiveness.
Forgiveness – I harp on this one a lot. I have to admit that I can carry a rather large chip on my shoulder for a long time. Just ask her. To other people, I have described our relationship as “water and oil”. We butt heads a lot. Recently, she infuriated me in the deepest way one could. I have often wondered, since that incident, if someone else had said or done what she said and did would I have reacted the same way? Truthfully, I don’t really know. But somewhere deep inside I think I probably wouldn’t have. So is there some sort of deep-seated resentment that I carry from somewhere back in time that causes me to so get so hurt so easily by her? Do my emotions really hang in the balance that thinly when it comes to her? Do I really need her approval or acceptance that much? Why does she get under my skin like that? Why do I worry over her? What is wrong with me? Is it really her… or [gasp] is it really me? Introspective chatter there. I have an unresolved issue somewhere that needs to be resolved in order for me to get over this; whatever “this” is. I need to move on to forgiveness.
What is stopping me?
What is the problem?
Do I love her too little?
Do I love her too much?
Too much because she breaks my heart so easily?
How do I find the answers? How do I forgive and turn the other way? How do I make it not hurt me?