Candid Chatter

Just Say It

I Fit Here Today May 20, 2008

Filed under: Life... The Way I See It — candidchatter @ 7:52 am

 

This show was such a favorite of mine. Cracked me the heck up weekly. I even watched the reruns all summer long. Didn’t matter. It still made me throw my head back with outbursts of laughter.

So I fit in an alien family today. I feel outside of the loop. You know, I realized something yesterday and it bothers me to a point. When I was married to my ex-husband I spent little to no time with my family (parents, brothers, sisters). He was such a jerk and they couldn’t stand him. I think my dad’s blood literally boiled with the mere mention of my x’s name. Yeah, I know it did. So for about 4 years I was out of touch even though I lived 15 minutes away.

After that relationship ended, I moved to Florida. I met my sweet Rich online and went to stay with relatives so I could meet up with him in person. I will spare you the incredibly long story and just say this — I was still very much out of touch with my family. The two family relationships that I concentrated on the most were with my dad and mom. It’s not that my siblings didn’t matter to me. They did and they do. But I had been out of touch for so long and my own life needed my utmost attention that I just didn’t invest much in them. I was very selfish and focused on moving my life forward with major momentum. It worked, but it cost me my relationship with my sisters & brothers.

We moved back to Ohio for 5 years. We had our daughter, Brianna. When she was 7 months old we moved back to Florida. We’ve been here 3 years now and have our son, Jeremy. So all this time, years and years, and all this stuff — wedding, moving about, having babies, and so on — and I still have little of a true relationship with any of my siblings. I am closest to my two sisters, Katie and Andrea. My other two sisters are each other’s best friends and it has always been that way. My brother, Tim, and I will always be close in heart. Always. But I know him very little. My brother, Ryan, and I have a deep love bond, but beyond that we don’t really “get” each other. Until recently, this was all fine with me.

Until recently.

But Andrea’s wedding has shined a light on the missing for me. What’s missing? I don’t know any of them very well. None. The ones I thought I knew I realize I don’t. I get my feelings hurt very easily b/c I don’t understand them. Why doesn’t this one return my phone calls, why doesn’t this one return my e-mails, why doesn’t that one send pictures of the kids to us, why won’t they visit us when vacations are planned, why don’t they call? Being at a loss for the majority of things, I have to rely on my perceptions or other’s perceptions. It’s frustrating and misleading.

Some days it’s nice being the one who is missed.

But when my mom doesn’t call me (ever) or answer my e-mails (hardly ever). And my siblings are a mystery to me — most of the time. It causes me to wonder. Where do I fit?

Alien to them. Not a part of it all. My choice to move away. But can’t I still fit in?

I guess the damage has been in the making for a long time. From isolation during my 1st marriage, to living 1000 miles away. Out of sight, out of mind?

Is it my fault? Theirs? No one’s? Just the way the cookie crumbles?

How do you fit in to your family?

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7 Responses to “I Fit Here Today”

  1. I don’t fit in with my family, which is why I am a comment provider to others. If my mom read my blog and left a comment it would be something like, “you’re getting there” because if she said “that’s good” I might just settle for where I was in life and quit trying to improve. What a pile of BS, I always attributed to German heritage. Compliments can only lead to a big head.

    OOOH, thanks for letting me rant on here, that felt good!

    I, too, love Third Rock From The Sun 🙂

  2. Ali Says:

    If you want a better relationship then you will have to work for it and see if the other person is willing to be involved. I know that sounds harsh however, when I moved out of the house, I didn’t hear from my parents hardly at all. My mother says that she thought that I wanted it that way. However, years later now and she still doesn’t really make the effort that I thought she would when she found out that I would like things to be “better”. I did put the effort forth at one point and the ball was in her court. I never received the ball back, therefore I have decided that this is all there will be. AND, I accept that, b/c to think differently will keep me guessing and constantly trying to figure it out. There is no more figuring out that needs to be done. I got my answer.

    GL however you decide to pursue your quest for more family contact. It can happen – you just have to have faith and LOTS of communication!!!!

  3. candidchatter Says:

    I feel I’ve tried on certain levels. The more I think about things the more I wonder if I’m such an attention seeker because I was the first of seven. Not that I was ignore or mistreated. I had a wonderful childhood. Childhood. However, my teenage years sucked. Early adulthood was awful b/c of my poor choice in husband. But the downward spiral started way before that. I don’t want to point fingers, b/c ultimately I made the adult decisions I made, but there are some things that culminated during those “tender” years that possibly led to certain decisions on my part — to escape — to be on my own.

    Now I am removed. My dad and I actually have an awesome relationship. So that’s why I didn’t really mention him. He calls me. He talks when we are on the phone. He e-mails me. He returns or initiates contact. My sister Andee is like him. She and I are very much in contact.

    I guess I struggle b/c I love them all so much. I miss them like crazy. Anyway…

    Crazy mood today. Rolling off of yesterday. I just hope tomorrow is new and all this stress from “the situation” is gone by the end of the day today.

    HR

  4. carey Says:

    I think your situation is more normal than not. Seriously, people get busy with their own lives and a lot of times, it’s not intentional it just happens.

    I know with me, both of my brothers and myself we hardly spoke, not because we didn’t love each other it just happened.

    I felt a bit left out because they did talk…I figured they had more in common being guys ya know?

    Heidi, I too had an ex that hardly ever wanted to see my family, therefore I didn’t see them. When we got divorced I had a lot of catching up to do. It’s still upsetting that it wasn’t what I thought it should be,(my relationship with them) even up until we lost them. 😦

    What I’m trying to say is don’t beat yourself up over it.
    It is what it is…

    You can only do your part and if they want a closer relationship then, they have to put effort forward as well.

    I hope I made sense to you.

    XOXO

    Carey

  5. Snickets Says:

    I like Carey’s comment:
    “It’s not intentional, it just happens.”
    I think you often create these feelings. You are no more out of the loop than anyone else. Each of the seven of us have our own thoughts in this very subject. But, what I have come to grasp is that I am one of seven children, all of which speak a different language of love and all of which are from two very different-styled parents. Mom NEVER returns or hardly reads e-mails. She replied to one I sent to her, eight months later! – which the subject made no sense at that point! Mom doesn’t make phone calls, or conversations! Think of life over the years … without dad – don’t you think mom would have been a wall flower? You definitely read this wrong. Those that talk to mom – show up in front of her face. And, Mom is too damn sweet to know the difference. That is her personality. She would not intentionally ignore. I can attest to that, I am a lot like her in that regard. She doesn’t realize how you feel, cause it is foreign to her – she (and I and Heather) are NOT emotional fluffy types. You have a language that needs reassurance, expression of emotion. Mom has a language that just needs comfort in knowing she is loved, quality time doing nothing. My language is more deeds & doing – meaning I do things for people to show I care, I don’t verbalize it so much. Heather’s is care and comfort, just like Moms! Andrea’s is verbal and doing. Timmy’s is doing. KT’s is verbal and comfort and reassurance for sure. But, I also think she is still coming into her own. Ryan is verbal and comfort too. Ryan is a lot like Dad. Dad’s language is verbal and comfort, with a mix of doing and quality time. Dad is social. Andrea is social. Ryan is social. You see? Mom is comfortable without social interaction. Mom could sit at home for days and be totally comfortable without interaction with anyone and not even realize it until someone pointed it out.

    Part of your growing in this should be to concentrate less on why just YOU are different, and embrace the differences of all of us.

    Think of how each of us must feel out of the loop … ? That is an assignment I am giving you. List out how you could imagine being each of us (not pros & cons or “if only’s” – just how each one is different from the “group”)– how each of us does NOT identify with this “group” you feel as though you don’t identify with. I expect this to be fully thought out, double spaced, 12 point font, in Times New Roman. You have 1 hour. Because, if given too much time you may spontaneously combust of over-active thinking and analyzing.
    (I do this too, over-analyze – ask Heather – she hates and it gets on her nerves. And yes, she is my best friend. Am I hers? Only because we’re sisters and she can’t get rid of me, I doubt she’d have any interest in me if we weren’t related. I get on her nerves more than Barney!)

  6. Snickets Says:

    And … Holy Mother May I …

    I didn’t realize I wrote War and Peace on here!

    sorry it is so long.

    *Do the assignment, on time. This is not paper and you have no dog.

  7. candidchatter Says:

    LOL – folks, meet water to my oil — Miss Snickets her famous self. 😉

    Ok… so I over-analyze. That’s what we, water & oil, have in common. I am over-emotional. That’s what we, KT and I, have in common. I do things, that’s what we, Tim/Ryan/Dad/you and I, have in common. I mother and comfort, that’s what we, Heather and I have in common. I am social, that’s what we, Andee/Dad/Ryan and I, have in common. Mom and I like to wear comfortable clothes, read, and spend time alone.

    Guess that was an awesome assignment b/c now I feel like I’m perfect and you guys just don’t measure up. Thanks, girl. I owe ya one!! Ha!!

    But serioulsy, Snick (may I call you that?), I don’t get you. Maybe it’s b/c I don’t get mom. I feel so disconnected from you two. It bothers me a lot. Over the years I’ve felt my relationship with mom take a nose dive. I know how shy and inward and private she is. But, man alive, for like 10 years now I’ve been waiting for her to open up. She doesn’t. However, when I talk to her we usually have a great conversation. I’ve always longed to do life just like her and be super mom and all that. But the lack of communication hurts me so much. Soooo much. You are different in that you’ll communicate — esp if provoked.

    And just to clear the air — I love my mom larger than life. She is a FANTASTIC woman and I can’t compliment her enough. Just reread my MD post about her. You can feel the love there, I know you can.

    You know too, Snickerdoodle, when I know she visits “A” so much and used to complain about coming to see me in Polaris so much so that she would not come unless Dad drove her. Well, that hurts too.

    Whatever. I am glad to know it’s not intentional and that I make this crap all up in my mind. It’s better that way. Cuz that I can work on. The other stuff… well, it’s just good to know it’s not some exclusive club for members only.

    XO and thanks for the “book”.

    HR


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