Know what this means?
Yes, you got it. I am pregnant. Rejoice, rejoice, celebrate, celebrate!! Right?
I have contemplated for some time when the *best* time to post this would be. I was planning to do it on Friday (of last week). I had an ultrasound that day and longed to come home and make the announcement on my blog. However, there wasn’t enough baby to see that day. I saw a yolk sac and something that resembled a tiny hot dog bun (which is the developing embryo). The ultrasound tech told me to come back in about 10 days for a repeat scan. My appointment is June 3rd. A week away. I then decided to wait until after that ultrasound to post the news on here.
However, as usual, I have changed my mind. The reason? Because there are so many women (and men?) who hit my site every single day regarding miscarriage. I figured I would start telling my story. It shouldn’t be as private as it is in our society. We don’t usually talk about the ins and outs of getting pregnant and staying pregnant. We celebrate a pregnancy and a birth. We try to comfort those who have experienced loss. But we don’t typically talk about the in-between time.
Since finding out my news the nervousness started. I found out on May 10th. The day before Mother’s Day. Excited, yes. But it only lasted a few hours. Once the excitement wore off the worry settled in. Deeply. I am a compulsive toilet paper checker now. I analyze every little twinge in my body. Are my boobs sore enough? Was that a cramp? Is that a brown spot on the tp? Am I nauseous enough? Shouldn’t I be more tired than I am? Shouldn’t I be hating certain smells yet? Shouldn’t I be craving weird foods? Sausage isn’t weird enough! I should want sausage covered in chocolate or something, right?
So I got a yeast infection last week. Nice. I started treating it with Monistat 7 like the nurse told me to. Fine. Sunday I felt pretty good down there and, even though I’m still treating “it”, I had sex. Immediately following, I started spotting pink. Oh no! Oh no no no no no!!
Monday was a miserable day for me. So the frantic thoughts started.
“Ok, I had a vaginal ultrasound Friday, been treating a yeast infection, had sex Sunday — it could just be that my cervix is irritated. Right? No cramping – check. No clots – check. Barely noticeable pinkish and not every time I go potty – check. Getting lighter, not heavier – check.”
Worried. Nerves on end.
As soon as 8:30 rolled around Tuesday morning I was on the phone with my doc’s office. Nurse tells me not to worry. I feel sick as a dog. “Is it nausea from being pregnant, or am I that worried that I am making myself sick?” At the doctor’s office by 11:15. Doctor is awesome. Same one who helped me through my miscarriage and did my D&C procedure. She’s excellent and very, very compassionate. She tells me my cervix is long and hard and sealed shut — good news! She says on the previous ultrasound there is a little blood behind the placenta — that may be making its way out. She says she can’t tell me much more until after my next scan which is June 3rd. She said my cervix could very well be irritated — common in pregnancy — and no sex until she says so. I think I held my breath the whole time she was talking/examining me. She told me that she is not concerned and not to worry. I let my breath out.
I trust this doctor. She was “there” that day, December 11th, when I found out my baby had died. She met me in the OR waiting room and told me everything would be OK the next day when I was waiting for the D&C to begin. She did my surgery. She called me the next day. She saw me a few weeks later. She reassured me that what I was going through and feeling was normal. She called me again after I got the positive pregnancy test a few weeks ago. She is one awesome doctor!
After my appointment yesterday I was in a much better mood. She gave me the comfort I needed and it lasted all day.
This morning — different story. More pink.
I am still sick to my stomach, very tired, boobs are very sore and full, moods swinging in all directions so much so that I don’t trust my judgment on anything. And so on.
But the worst thing I am experiencing in all of this??
Not what I expected at all.
I don’t trust Him.
Not with this.
It makes me cry. It breaks my heart. I don’t want to feel this way. I ask Him to help me trust Him. I start to and then I crawl back inside myself. My best friend, the lover of my soul, my most cherished companion, my heavenly daddy… I am struggling so much with it…
And. It. Crushes. Me.
All good news? I don’t know yet. It’s too early to tell. But I hope so.
Please pray. Please.
So this is the beginning. Here’s hoping in the end I have a healthy, normal, vibrant baby.