This morning, as I got ready and rushed out the door to my ultrasound appointment, I have to admit I had worries about what we would find. I haven’t been comfortable with this pregnancy from the get-go. As soon as I saw the baby on the screen, my worries melted. It was moving all around: waving its hands, kicking its feet, scratching its head, and all sorts of cute things. I felt that connection that we moms feel with our yet unborn babies. Everything clicked. It was exciting.
I got home and dove into cleaning up the breakfast mess pigsty I had left behind. My sweet husband headed down south for a meeting regarding a possible career move.
He called me around 4:30 to tell me all the good news about how the meeting went. They were going to make him an offer and alluded to it being “one he couldn’t refuse”. Towards the end of that conversation my doctor called. I told Rich I’d call him back.
The ultrasound went great she said. However, there is something mildly concerning to her. On the baby’s brain there is a spot. This spot could mean nothing and could resolve all by itself in the coming weeks. In the vast majority of cases where a spot like this is found and the baby seems to be otherwise completely normal, that’s what happens… spot goes away, healthy baby is born. In very rare cases, the spot is a marker on an ultrasound alerting doctors that there could be an abnormality; most commonly Down syndrome also known as Trisomy 21. She told me she was going to order a more detailed ultrasound and to wait for the call from them to make the appointment. Her parting words were, “I don’t want you to worry. This is just a precaution and most of the time this turns out to be nothing.” I tried to remain positive and said, “I would rather you err on the side of caution, Doctor.”
And I would.
I called Rich back, let him finish telling me the good news from down south, and then I told him what my doctor had said. He didn’t really react. My husband doesn’t worry much. He accepts things and moves on. He’s rock solid in situations that tear me to pieces. Solid.
For about 3 hours after the call, I was a mess. I tried not to cry, but the harder I tried the more painful the lump in my throat. The tears started to roll down my cheeks. I found that I wasn’t crying for me. It wasn’t a pity party oh poor me my child may not be normal. No. It was for the baby who, if not normal, will have such big challenges his or her whole life. People will stare. Some will make fun of him or her. Some will feel awkward and not know how to interract. It was tearing me up inside to think of my poor sweet child having to come against a world full of jerks who think it’s funny to make fun of people who aren’t “like them”.
Three people came to my rescue. Lana, my mom, and my mother-in-law. All three of them lifted me up and helped me by saying things that are true. They wouldn’t allow me to accept that my child is abnormal. The truth is, chances really are in my favor that the baby is fine. Ultrasounds cannot predict Down syndrome. They can only shoot up red flags when something looks a little off. The only way to know for sure is to have an amniocentesis, which I’m still 80% against. There are about 7 ultrasound markers to be found in a Down’s baby. Ours only has one of seven. All other organs and measurements appear normal.
Thank you to those of you who read my comment on the last post and prayed. Thank you Melanie for responding so quickly to my e-mail asking for prayer. What I need most is peace. It’s funny because today on Steve’s site I said the word that would get me through the day – my ‘keyword’ – is TRUST. Little did I know how much I would have to work on doing just that.
But I am. I am trusting that, no matter what, God has our best interests in store. No matter what.
I’ll surely keep you posted. I have a regular OB appointment Friday. They will do my glucose test and the AFP blood test which is another way to detect a Down syndrome risk. Later (hopefully sooner rather than later) I will have a specialized ultrasound. After that, who knows.
On a more positive note, they did make Rich an offer that he can’t refuse. It blew us away. I had to read it about 3 times just to believe it. Pinch me, this can’t be real. He’s only 31 years old. What a super success. He didn’t apply for a job. They contacted him because they want him. They really, really want him. Bad.
Good news mixed with not so good news. I am choosing to be positive and until someone shows me medical evidence that cannot be disproven that there is something wrong with my baby I am choosing to believe that he or she is perfectly fine and normal.
As always, thank you for your support and prayers. It all means so much more to me than you know. And, once again, I am praying for you. I am praying that God will doubly bless whoever prays for us. You guys and gals are awesome!! From the bottom of my heart, THANK YOU!