Yesterday three things dove into my soul. Two messages in my heart.
“Do not fear”
Then I saw, for the second time in less than a week, a double rainbow. This time the rainbows were right outside my front door. I should have taken a picture. Beautiful and breathtaking and brilliant.
For those of you of less than a spiritual nature please do not judge. You just aren’t to the point in your life yet where these sorts of things make sense to you. Once you get there you’ll understand completely. It will come alive and you’ll get it and then you’ll see.
I can tell people have been praying for me and our baby. How? Because of the peace I hold in my heart. It’s almost tangible. It feels like a coat over my skin. Comforting, relaxing, sweet, tender, merciful.
I’ve been given a lot of advice from well-meaning individuals. Some who have a love interest in us. They tell me not to accept that something could be wrong with our child. They are praying prayers of positive words. Calling forth things as if they already are — health, intelligence, and so on. I appreciate those prayers. But when I pray, I cannot lie. I can’t tell God “thank you for this healthy, normal, intelligent baby” when in my heart I don’t hold that view. I pray “thank you Lord for whatever child you have blessed us with — thank you that you trust me enough to care for any of your children, whether normal or not — and please give me the strength and wisdom to endure any hardships”.
I know there are many, many Christian families who have been blessed with many, many different types of children. Some of them have become doctors. Some of them have become teachers. Some of them have become missionaries. Some of them have become competitors in the Special Olympics. Some of them can’t talk or move or feed themselves. Some of them have died before their 5th birthdays. All of their parents have prayed their hearts out for them. All.
So I can’t force myself to believe that God would spare me the pain of having a child who has a disability. I hope that He does. Not for me — my hope is for the child yet unborn. But I don’t believe for even an inch that God can be manipulated because I speak “positive words”.
I have read about 3/4 of the Bible so far this year and I haven’t seen one Scripture verse that teaches that you can call forth things with your words. Any time someone prophesied something that came to be it was because the Holy Spirit told them to. It was God’s idea first. Then He revealed it to the prophets. Then the prophets revealed it to the people. Then the events happened. It wasn’t in any other order. There were times that the prophets pleaded on behalf of the people. Interceded in prayer. There were times that God answered those prayers of intercession. But they didn’t say to God “this isn’t going to happen because I won’t accept it”. No. They were humble and respectful and most of the time in mourning for the nation of Israel. God does change His mind. God does heal the broken. But God cannot be told what to do. His plans are perfect and holy. Who are we to think we can “positive words” Him into acting in our flawed interests?
Having said all of that, I will not tell you how to pray. No. Never. You should pray how you are led to pray. You have your own relationship with God. I have mine. But be honest in your prayers. God sees your heart anyway. No sense in lying or pretending you believe something that He clearly knows you don’t. If you honestly don’t accept that our baby could have a disability, that’s fine. Pray like that if your heart is pure in that thought/belief.
Update: I had a regular OB appointment yesterday. They drew blood for the quad screen and did the glucose test. I’ll have results hopefully by Tuesday on all tests. I spoke in more detail with the midwife who saw me. She said everything else on the ultrasound looked normal — organs, bones, size, spine, development, shape of brain and skull. She also said in 14 years of being a midwife she has seen an uprise in finding cysts on the brain in babies in the last 5 years. She said she believes it is due to better sonographic equipment. She said there may be a time in obstetrics when a cyst (like what our baby has) is found that they will just call it a normal part of the baby’s development between such and such weeks instead of sending moms to a specialist. But, for now, all moms go to see specialists when this cyst is found. She said the vast majority of the time the cyst is gone by the time the mom sees the specialist. If it is still there, it eventually goes away and the specialist finds nothing else wrong with the baby. What he will look for on Wednesday at the ultrasound are the remaining six markers that indicate Trisomy 21 (Down syndrome).
I am at peace whatever may be. My husband is too. Of course, our hope is that our baby is just as fine and dandy as our other two children. But if he or she is not woven together as they are, we will survive. Actually, I believe we’ll more than survive. I believe we’ll be blessed beyond belief and that we’ll be a blessing to others who may experience the same things we have.
Plus, we’re all a little disabled. I can’t fly a plane. Why? Because I have bad eyesight. I also can’t sing very well. I am short and I can’t reach the top cabinets in my kitchen. I am not good at math. I can’t draw.
Thank you for the prayers, thoughts, support, and encouragement. Sincerely.