So I thought I’d explain the part of my last post where I admitted to chewing off the head of the sales lady at the nutrition store. Because it’s funny. Or maybe it’s not funny. You be the judge.
I am way high on the hormone horse nowadays. It must have something to do with being in my sixth month of pregnancy. I think from 6 months until the end I cannot be trusted. I should not be allowed to make decisions, interract with people, go to the post office, or buy gas (b/c that’s too close in proximity to cigarettes and alcohol).
A bit of background. My precious 4 year old gets a rash all over her little body if she takes cheap multivitamins. By cheap, I mean Flintstones or any brand you can buy at the regular grocery store. It takes at least 3 weeks for it to work its way out of her system. My mother-in-law bought a Gummi brand at a health food store. The label said “nothing artificial, no allergens”. Yeah freakin’ stinkin’ right!! She got a rash 1 week after starting those. Unreal. So I ordered her the kind that does not give her a rash. Interested in brand name? Kangavites. There I name dropped and I won’t see a dime for it either.
There is a new nutrition store in town and they ordered her some. The other day they called to tell me they were in. Yahoo! After I dropped her off at school, I went to pick them up with the little man (my 2 yr old son).
For those of you with boys, you’ll understand this better (maybe). Jeremy is all hands and feet right now. I am training him to walk with me and stay with me when we go places. First of all, it’s time he learned. Secondly, with his younger sibling months away I am going to need the cart for the baby and baby gear.
He wants to touch, smell, and climb on everything. Not exactly the best way to be in a nutrition store. Those places are not tailored for kids — that’s for sure. I have quit certain nutrition stores because of their rudeness and impatience with kid’s natural curiosity. There is one place nearby that is tolerant of them. But the rest of the places I’ve been to with my children haven’t been exactly inviting. Admittedly, my kids have touched and rearranged their fair share of merchandise that is within their reach no matter how many times I threaten them. So I’m sure when they see me coming across the parking lot they are apt to throw up the metal bars and lock the doors.
Anyway. I told my husband as he squirted the last remaining snot drops of shampoo out into the palm of his hand that I was waiting to buy more for when I go to the nutrition store to pick up our daughter’s vitamins. He rolled his eyes and said “please don’t get the kind that smells like tree bark mixed with mud and sand”. ROFL!! If you’ve ever bought natural products you will understand what he means. Sometimes that stuff does not smell good at all. He cracks me up!
I walk into the store as soon as they open. We (my 2 yr old and I) are greeted by two friendly fresh faces who must have had 4 shots of espresso in their Starbucks rather than 3. They were so chipper! They both commented on how cute he is (he really is!) and something about me having my hands full (must have been another comment on my protruding belly). I smiled and kept walking.
I found the sales lady in the vitamin section and told her why I was there. She said “no, they aren’t in yet, but we’ll call you when they get here”. She said this without checking. Bad move #1. I told her I got a phone call yesterday afternoon that they are in and could she please double check. Guess what? Yep. They were in. She put them on the counter, mumbled something about how they must have been delivered in the afternoon after she had gone home (no apology), and then asked me if I needed anything else. I said that I wanted to shop around and thanked her.
I was in the middle of smelling shampoos (because I didn’t want to make Rich puke in the shower) when I heard “uh oh” come from my son (who was a mere 10 feet away from me). Uh oh is never good, I don’t care who you are. The last time I heard an “uh oh” like that we were in WalMart, it was my daughter this time, and before I could grab her hands she reached up and sprayed some sort of hair product in her eyes. Fifteen howling minutes later and a dash to the vision department, she was fine.
Ok so “uh oh”. I move quickly over to him, grab his hands, and see that he has squirted shower gel all over his fingers. Great. I put my stuff down and drag him back to the restroom. Two minutes later he’s all cleaned up and we go back to where we were. I get my stuff, hand him a bottle so his hands are occupied, and continue to read labels and sniff shampoos.
Sales lady must have seen what happened and checked it out while we were in the bathroom. She came over to me with the 32 ounce bottle of shower gel with a squirty thing on the top and said “could you please keep a better eye on your son — he opened this, got it all over the floor, and I had to clean it up — I’m not sure if I can still sell it”. GIANT (enormous) bad move #2. I said “I’m very sorry — I turned my back on him for a second and he squirted the top into his hands — he probably thought it was hand sanitizer since the bottle resembles the one we have at home — he’s 2 years old and doesn’t understand — I rushed him to the bathroom because my biggest concern was that he would get it in his eyes or mouth — I can pay for it if you determine you cannot sell it while missing 1/2 an ounce of the 32 ounces in the container”. I did not say it sarcastically — yet! Just wait.
She walked away without asking if he was ok. Maybe she assumed he was fine since nobody was crying. Little did she know I was boiling venom underneath my skin, but so far no outward appearance of that had surfaced. I grabbed Jeremy, threatened his life, and then he started sniffing shampoos with me. We were having fun, he was laughing, I was laughing. I narrowed it down to three brands. They all smelled good. Now it was down to the one that would do me the most good since I have this frizz problem with my naturally wavy/curly hair. Hmm. Which one?
Sales lady walks up to me again and says “are you sure there isn’t anything I can help you with”. [warning: this is the part where you can most definitely determine I should not be allowed in public right now] I froze. I turned to her and felt the heat rise up my chest to my neck to my cheeks and out my ears as my pulse tripled. I asked her between my clenched teeth “do you want me to buy anything today or not”. Her eyes got as wide as saucers. The other customer who was in the next aisle took off for dear life. She knew preggie chick in aisle 4 was about to come undone. The sales lady said “uh, well, uh, no”. I said “you DON’T want me to buy anything — is that right”. Then she stammered and stuttered and said “no, I mean yes, uh yes I want you to buy something.. I was just.. well.. do you.. uh I just got paged over the intercom so someone needs me and I wanted to be sure before I leave this area that you are ok”. I said “go! I am fine. I do NOT need your help”. She tripped over her feet as she backed away. She started to come back saying something like “did I do something to offend you.. blah blah [charlie brown’s teacher] blah blah”. I put up my hand, kept my steely eyes on the shampoo bottle, and said “go lady — go now — just GO”.
I got done with my shopping. I snatched the vitamin bottle off of her stand and walked to the checkout counter. I paid. I left. I think I held my breath the entire time.
I called my husband when I got to the Turnpike and told him I should not be allowed in public and I think I’ll save the post office trip for another day. He did not laugh.