In the midst of sheer pain, there was peace.
In the midst of utter heartache, there was comfort.
In the midst of the worst loss of my life, there was love.
Nobody can tell me that the loss of my baby was for nothing. This story — our story — has touched more people than I can count. The amount of traffic to my blog daily (daily!) is astounding in regards to the miscarriage. Women lose babies every single day. It is a silent suffering. Most people don’t know what to say to undo the pain or comfort the grieving Mother. A lot of times what is said seems heartless and inconsiderate.
“It was God’s plan”
“There must have been something wrong with the baby and it is God’s way of making it right”
“These things happen”
On the way to the hospital I was a crying mess, deeply bitter, and on the brink of losing my bearings on reality. I just stared out the window with tears streaming down my face trying to feel as numb and unattached as I could. I didn’t want to feel. I just wanted to sleep and sleep and sleep. I wanted nothing to do with anything. I just wanted to be alone. As I sunk down into the depths of despair I decided to pray. What else could I do?
Lord, I don’t know why this had to happen. But I am going to decide to lean on You. You said I could. I’m going to. I am going to give this — my grief — to You. What You do with it is up to You. But I can’t do this. I can’t be a good wife or Mom under these circumstances. I need You now more than I’ve ever needed You. Help me. Amen.
Believe what you will…
I am here to tell you that no sooner did “amen” leave my silent prayer before I was enveloped in a peace that goes far, far beyond my comprehension. I felt it like a coat had been slipped onto my shaking frame. Can you actually feel peace? I would not have believed it if I hadn’t experienced it for myself.
He was there. He never left my side. He gave me the most precious gift I could have ever asked for at such a time as that. My God, my Jesus, my Savior — He loved on me. He wrapped me in His peace. He carried me through the next few hours and days. He kept me in His peace for as long as I needed Him to.
And when it was time to release me, He did it slowly. He was so gentle. He was so careful. He protected me. He sheltered me.
Then He started to show me how to move on.
I had moments of grief after that. Many of them. I would cry. I would remember. I would again ask God to kiss my baby for me. I promised I would never forget. I even feel like it may have been a girl. That might seem silly to you, but I feel like it was a girl. Julia would have been her name.
I had to physically return to normal before we could try for another baby. Rich didn’t put up a fight. He told me he still didn’t want three children, but that it didn’t matter as much as having another mattered to me. He said he would submit to my decision.
In April of 2008, about the time we had decided we would start the process of adoption, we instead started the process of conception. It worked on the first try. On Mother’s Day 2008 I took a pregnancy test. I was almost 2 weeks late on my cycle.
I am 34 1/2 weeks pregnant. I am not happy that I lost my baby last year. But if I had not lost that child, I would not have this child. I still think about and pray about the baby that I lost. I still look forward to meeting that wee one when it’s my turn to cross over into eternity. My kids know they have a sibling who gets to look into the face of Jesus every day.
I have four kids. Three of them live with me. One lives with Him.
Someday we’ll all be together.
I clung to the chorus of this song
after my loss.
Artist: Seventh Day Slumber
Song: Every Saturday
“I’m barely hanging on
with all these empty feelings.
I’m hurting in so many ways.
And though I can’t begin
to understand the reason,
I still believe that you’re God.”