Candid Chatter

Just Say It

The Unanniversary – Part Two December 12, 2008

Filed under: Life... The Way I See It — candidchatter @ 6:11 am
Tags: , , , , ,

In the midst of sheer pain, there was peace.

In the midst of utter heartache, there was comfort.

In the midst of the worst loss of my life, there was love.

Nobody can tell me that the loss of my baby was for nothing. This story — our story — has touched more people than I can count. The amount of traffic to my blog daily (daily!) is astounding in regards to the miscarriage. Women lose babies every single day. It is a silent suffering. Most people don’t know what to say to undo the pain or comfort the grieving Mother. A lot of times what is said seems heartless and inconsiderate.

“It was God’s plan”
“There must have been something wrong with the baby and it is God’s way of making it right”
“These things happen”

On the way to the hospital I was a crying mess, deeply bitter, and on the brink of losing my bearings on reality. I just stared out the window with tears streaming down my face trying to feel as numb and unattached as I could. I didn’t want to feel. I just wanted to sleep and sleep and sleep. I wanted nothing to do with anything. I just wanted to be alone. As I sunk down into the depths of despair I decided to pray. What else could I do?

Lord, I don’t know why this had to happen. But I am going to decide to lean on You. You said I could. I’m going to. I am going to give this — my grief — to You. What You do with it is up to You. But I can’t do this. I can’t be a good wife or Mom under these circumstances. I need You now more than I’ve ever needed You. Help me. Amen.

Believe what you will…

I am here to tell you that no sooner did “amen” leave my silent prayer before I was enveloped in a peace that goes far, far beyond my comprehension. I felt it like a coat had been slipped onto my shaking frame. Can you actually feel peace? I would not have believed it if I hadn’t experienced it for myself.

He was there. He never left my side. He gave me the most precious gift I could have ever asked for at such a time as that. My God, my Jesus, my Savior — He loved on me. He wrapped me in His peace. He carried me through the next few hours and days. He kept me in His peace for as long as I needed Him to.

And when it was time to release me, He did it slowly. He was so gentle. He was so careful. He protected me. He sheltered me.

Then He started to show me how to move on.

I had moments of grief after that. Many of them. I would cry. I would remember. I would again ask God to kiss my baby for me. I promised I would never forget. I even feel like it may have been a girl. That might seem silly to you, but I feel like it was a girl. Julia would have been her name.

I had to physically return to normal before we could try for another baby. Rich didn’t put up a fight. He told me he still didn’t want three children, but that it didn’t matter as much as having another mattered to me. He said he would submit to my decision.

In April of 2008, about the time we had decided we would start the process of adoption, we instead started the process of conception. It worked on the first try. On Mother’s Day 2008 I took a pregnancy test. I was almost 2 weeks late on my cycle.

Positive.

Joy!

I am 34 1/2 weeks pregnant. I am not happy that I lost my baby last year. But if I had not lost that child, I would not have this child. I still think about and pray about the baby that I lost. I still look forward to meeting that wee one when it’s my turn to cross over into eternity. My kids know they have a sibling who gets to look into the face of Jesus every day.

I have four kids. Three of them live with me. One lives with Him.

Someday we’ll all be together.

I clung to the chorus of this song
after my loss.
Artist: Seventh Day Slumber
Song: Every Saturday

“I’m barely hanging on
with all these empty feelings.
I’m hurting in so many ways.
And though I can’t begin
to understand the reason,
I still believe that you’re God.”

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14 Responses to “The Unanniversary – Part Two”

  1. mommato3blessings Says:

    I understand your feelings about that little baby being a girl- I just knew in my heart that the child I lost was a girl as well. I like to think that when my Daddy crossed over to Heaven, he found the babies that I and my sister lost and is playing with them the way he did with his grandchildren here on earth, keeping an eye on them until I can hold my Angel Baby myself. Much like you imagine your Grandmother.

    It’s amazing how experiencing a loss like this bonds you to others who have walked in the same shoes. Thank you again, Heidi. My prayers and HUGS are with you today. Love you.

  2. Joe Blackmon Says:

    My youngest brother was actually a twin. Doug lived. Donald died when he was less than a week old. His little baby lungs weren’t developed. Other than Jesus that’s who I’m looking forward to seeing when i get to heaven. Even more than my Maw-maw.

  3. Lorna Says:

    Thanks for sharing your story Heidi. Bless you for sharing the prayer too. I especially needed that today.

  4. Heidi…your story is a powerful one, and it is a story that God has blessed and used in powerful ways. I have no doubt that He will continue to minister through you to so many in this world.

    Even though your story and mine are far different, I still feel a peace for my own situation from the journey you’ve been on. Strange, isn’t it?

    I am proud to call you my Internet blogging friend!

  5. Heidi: I took a spill on Wednesday and landed on concrete so I had to go to the chiro this morning and then had to go to the oral surgeon and just now have been able to get on the computer. I was/am deeply touched by your personal journey. My bride and I have been blessed with 2 very healthy girls so I cannot in any way say “I know how you feel.” But because of your openness I can get a glimmer of the emotions and feelings a woman might feel. Thank you again (see comments on #1) for opening your heart to me, to us. I echo Steve’s words: I am proud to call you my blogging friend. I can’t wait to hear about this new bundle of joy (whom I named!) 🙂 Bless you my friend.

  6. Oh yeah: great song! I had heard of them but not heard them.

  7. Tony York Says:

    Your story had made me reflect on past memories. As I mentioned yesterday on your first post, there is no longer any pain for me concerning those memories. The thing that I was reflecting on, though, was which one was the hardest at the time we went through them.

    #1 Was the scariest… I carried my wife across the hospital threshold as our baby poured out of her, across me, and onto the ground.

    #2 Was the hardest… our hearts broke because we had been so hopeful for that pregnancy. It mirrors your story here pretty closely…(including the ultra-sound actions – except I was with Heather)

    #3 & #4 are both foggy memories even though they were more recent than the first 2. By the time number 4 happened I was already resolved to the idea that chances were better for losing the baby than keeping it.

    Through it all, the 2 that we have, have become that much more meaningful and blessed in our lives.

    Thanks for sharing your heart with us, Heidi. And by the way, I have felt God’s peace like a blanket on several occasions not related to the miscarriages. It’s amazing how different one moment can be from the next by asking God to take what we can’t handle on our own.

  8. Camey Says:

    Heidi,

    What courage it takes to be that vulernable in sharing your story…. Thank you for sharing and allowing us a glimpse of your moments thus far.

    Hugs, love, and continued dangerous prayers my dear sister in Christ and friend!

  9. Will_nottheactor_Smith Says:

    Heidi,

    Let me just say it – you rock. God has given you such great ability to convey the positive -God’s peace and love – out of such a painful time. Your openess and willing to pour out your heart is an awesome testimony, that God will use to reach many people for many years to come.

    Many don’t know what to say because they can’t understand that they CAN’T undo the pain – they just need to support us as we work THROUGH it with God’s help.

    Have a great weekend, sister! 😀

  10. I am on a major blog break. Sat for a few seconds… checked in on you.

    Wow my friend.

    This and the last post went to my bones.

    Thank you.

    Your story spells this:

    HOPE.

    Bless you real good,
    R

  11. Ivan Says:

    Thank you for these posts Heidi. I shall read them again. I think the blockage stopping me from writing about the nativity in Matthew is because of two of this kind of event. I’ve always loved the nativity, but especially after them. And in Matthew, the quote from Jeremiah 31:15 at Matt 2:18 just does me in. It seems to me that Rachel was right to refuse comfort. Needless to say I have not felt God’s peace. Maybe I should read the Jeremiah. Jeremiah 31:16 starts, “Refrain your voice from weeping, and your eyes from tears, for your work shall be rewarded”. I hate it when you look something up and it’s just exactly what you needed.

  12. Jamie Says:

    Hi Heidi,
    I read your story and it makes me sad, three years ago on the 18th day of this month I too, suffered the loss of my unborn baby. I have never really talked about the loss due to the pain, I felt so horrible and the lonliness i felt.. I know that my heavenly father and my earthly father were standing at the gates as my precious angel entered into the kingdom….my son today would be two this Christmas…i just wonder what he would be like or what his personality would be like…. I know that God needed an angel so he chose mine…just like you Heidi I became pregnant again, already a single mother and unwed, the father chose not to be apart of my unborn childs life…I am not here for sympathy, this is just a sad time in my life and you will understand, my God has forgiven me and all of my sins… I am grateful for my children I get the chance to see them grow, as I watch my daughter grow(who’s father is not in her life)i have the greatest blessing and that is her love….I am so thankful that God chose me to be their parent. I have no regrets or mistakes only love and forgiveness…. Thank you so much for sharing your story…There is so many people, mother’s and father’s who like us expierence the loss of a child and stories like this we know we are not alone…and we have never been alone thru God’s grace!

  13. Ruthie Says:

    Heidi to know that God met you, held you and gave you peace in your deepest hour of need gives me and others courage to trust Him with our hearts.
    Thank you for being so real. I am humbled to hear your story and your response. I so want to believe and trust as you have done and are doing. I want to have that intimate loving relationship with God. Thank you, thank you,

  14. candidchatter Says:

    Mel: Your Dad, Angel baby, and Angel nieces/nephews are having a blast together. I know it!!

    Joe: I cannot imagine what your family went through with that loss. Daphne, who comments on here and has one of the best blogs I’ve ever read, also lost her infant. Horrifying.

    Lorna: I’ve been praying for you for 2 days. I will continue too. I am so sorry for what you’re going thru right now. I wish I had some wise words to say. (((hugs)))

    Steve: I’m also praying for you. Thank you for your kind words and friendship.

    Bill: Are you ok? I read about the dental thing. Yikes!! Thanks also for your sweet words and friendship. I can’t tell you and Steve how much it means to me that Pastors read my blog. It really does something to make my day. So thanks!

    Tony: I cannot fathom having to go through that all over again. I am sorry you and Heather experienced it 4 times. Your daughters are lovely and look at you being the best dad on the planet and stuff (I know you don’t think so, but I do).

    Camey: Dangerous prayers are the best ones I’ve discovered cuz then you really gotta mean it and you really gotta trust. Amen?

    Will: Thank you! What a nice encouraging comment. You have a great weekend too brother!

    Roxx: Thanks girl. Seriously. Thank you!

    Ivan: Wicked, wicked Herod. See what a little jealousy can do? I cannot imagine what those poor families went through. And then one day Jesus found out what happened. I wonder how that made Him feel? Awful.

    Jamie: You sweet woman. Your comment broke my heart. I am so happy you have found Christ and have been redeemed. Your children are lucky to have a mom as strong and loving as you. Thanks for coming over here to my blog and for your vulnerable comment. I’m sure it was hard for you to type. God bless your journey and come back here any time. I’d love for you to hang around.

    Ruthie: I actually pray you never have a desperate moment like that where everything else is ripped away and all you have is God. The peace was alive. That’s what sums it up. It was really real. Always have hope no matter what you are faced with. Don’t walk away even when your heart is shattered. Press into Him and He will not fail you. You are His child. I think if you strip everything down to bare bones childlike innocence you are left with the fact that you are his daughter. Period. He will love on you because that is what He does. God is love. Thanks for the words of support.

    My love and appreciation to all of you. Plus to JB who called me today after she read my posts. My heart is full and I’m doing fine. See you Monday.

    Heidi


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