Today, as I sit here thinking over the past year or so, one word comes to mind to describe how I am truly feeling.
People have been asking me all sorts of questions regarding my emotional state right now.
- Are you anxious? Yes and no. I am anxious to meet my son, but I am not anxious to be sleep deprived.
- Are you nervous? Yes and no. I am nervous about how his presence will affect my little Jeremy (will Jay be jealous?). I am nervous that he, the baby, might suffer something my other two went through (acid reflux, colic, jaundice). I am not nervous about him in my life.
- Are you excited? Yes and no. I am excited about the reason he was created. I am excited to see who God made to fill our lives. I am excited for his purpose in this life. But the first 6 months of having a new baby scare me to death. I am a very uptight Mom of a newborn. Babies scare me. I’ll admit it. They do.
- How are you feeling? Tired, sore, run down, hormonal, and in need of taking my body back. A little sad that this is the last time I’ll feel a baby move inside my womb. A little sad that I’ll not have that “I’m pregnant” excitement with a positive pregnancy test again. A little sad that my child-bearing years are now over. They went by entirely too fast.
Even Rich and I had a little discussion about how I am doing. I can let it all hang out with him. He’s my best friend, the love of my life. I told him “I feel triumphant”. I wanted this baby and I fought for this baby and I didn’t back down and I didn’t give up hope and I took a stand. I know he won’t regret that he submitted to me. He doesn’t regret it. He is excited to see him too. He said so. He’s happy it’s a boy. He said he doesn’t know why because he loves our Brianna with all his heart, but he wanted a boy. I didn’t know that until a week ago. Cute huh?
I feel like we (the baby and I) fought and won. He is healthy. I am healthy. We made it — through all the worry, through all the tears, through all the prayerful nights, through all the doubts, through all the fears, through all the physical challenges, through all of the emotional highs and lows… through it all. We Made It!
It’s no secret that I am not a happy pregnant woman. There are more things I dislike about it, to be honest. But I am so grateful for the past 5 years of my life. My child-bearing years. It went by so fast. Too fast. And, like all good things, it must come to an end. This is the end.
But it’s also the beginning. I have a young family — three kids under the age of five. I wanted them close in age for two main reasons — 1) so they would all be close to each other 2) because I didn’t have my first child until I was 31. So here we are on the eve of our third (fourth) baby.
A worthwhile battle.
One in which everyone is a winner.