Candid Chatter

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Merry-Go-Round of Life April 2, 2009

One day I got a tattoo.

heidis-tattoo

I lost a baby via miscarriage and wanted a way to memorialize her (him?).
I believe she was a girl and I don’t know why.
Her name would have been Julia.
Julia Lyn Reed
(or Nathan if a boy)

I had nothing left of that tiny baby. After the D&C procedure, I struggled with depression and bouts of rage. I also lost my maternal grandmother just 2 weeks prior to losing my unborn baby. It was a tough season. I was deeply wounded.

I blogged about it often. Just click “All Things Tattoo” in the blue bar at the top to read through some of my struggles with miscarriage, loss, and grief.

Yesterday I was talking to a loved one on the phone. I suggested s/he read the Bible and highlighted a couple of books I thought would be fitting; one in the OT, one in the NT. After hanging up I felt a bit like a hypocrite. I haven’t read my Bible since a few days after Jack was born (FYI : It’s Jack, not Jax! — he is named after my late grandfather who was Jack too). So I meandered into my office and started to pick up my Chronological Bible that I read last year. I hesitated and looked at 2 other Bibles stacked on top of it. One is small, but thick and one is bigger and thinner. They are both NIV. I started to reach for the smaller, thicker one since it was on the top of the stack, but then changed my mind and grabbed the bigger, thinner one. Don’t know why really. I just felt compelled to read that one instead. It was even underneath the other one.

I noticed it had a paper bookmark in it and laid it on my kitchen table under Jack’s bouncer seat. I got interrupted several times before picking it up again. I opened to the page that was bookmarked. Psalms. I remember before we moved to this house I was working on reading the Psalms. I was trying to do my own little personal Bible study. Once we started the move, all was forgotten.

The Psalms I opened to were written by David. They all start out with him agonizing over something and crying out to God. They all end with him praising God regardless of his trial. They are hard Psalms for me to read because it is obvious that David was in agony. However, I am always hit by the fact that he ends these cries to God with praises for God despite his painful and stressful circumstances. He praised God no matter what.

Praise. There is a sacrifice of praise. Praising God through pain is the hardest thing I think I have ever done. I had a million “why” questions. A billion. Why did He let that baby die? Why, God, why? But my faith strengthened and my prayer life grew by leaps and bounds and my blog took off and I kept praising God despite the deep pain I was in. The pit. The lowest. Sadness. Agony. Despair. Yet, praises for the One who created me. Praises mixed with questions, but never did I doubt Him. Never did I turn my back on Him. Ever.

I noticed the paper bookmark was smooth and shiny. I took a closer look and realized it was folded. Jack made a little noise and his bouncer seat jiggled. I smiled as I opened the paper.

And there it was… a folded up, slick piece of paper with three ultrasound images of my Angel Baby.

Beneath my son’s bouncer seat sat my Bible. Inside that Bible was a page marked to Psalms written by David at one of the worst times in his life. That page was marked with three ultrasound pictures of my unborn baby who died and is undoubtedly in Heaven with the God of grace and mercy.

I do have the only pictures of that baby after all. I have them.
And I also have a tattoo. A story. A triumph. A new son.

A new son.
Jaxon would not be here if I hadn’t lost the other baby.
He was conceived 4 months after my loss.

New life. Renewed hope. The love of the Father raining down on His daughter.

And still there’s the promise.
Eternal life.

Someday I’ll see my unborn baby in Heaven. And then we will never be separated again.
Ever.

Sometimes there really is a happy ending.
Thank you Lord for the storms. Thank you Lord for the sun.
Thank you Lord for the Son… and for the son.

I love you! Amen.

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9 Responses to “Merry-Go-Round of Life”

  1. Thanks for sharing your heart in this post Heidi. I cannot even begin to fathom the depth of your loss and grief but also at the same time I cannot begin to fathom the presence of the lord at that time in your life. I am thankful that you found yourself in praise at a time when bitterness and hatred are often the result. Your testimony shines now and is for all to see and hear and read. Thank you Heidi. Thank you Jesus.

  2. Lorna Says:

    I love this post. Remembering God is in control in all things and remaining faithful in times of sorrow is something I have always admired in people. It’s something I asked God to help my family with after we lost my Father in Law to cancer. None of us understood how this man who had been so healthy and full of life could be swallowed up so suddenly and taken away from us. I prayed that it would not harden my husband. What God has given my family since that prayer has truly been a small miracle. God is good, always. Even when we question him, we still need to have faith.
    XOXO,
    Lorna

  3. Ivan Says:

    What a beautiful and powerful post. What a wonderful moment. Thank you Heidi.

  4. Kelli Says:

    Awesome – thanks for sharing your heart/struggle. You’ve had to deal with something tragic, yet powerful in it’s “ending”.

  5. sjcall Says:

    Thank you Heidi. I have the same story, minus the tattoo. My sweet, sweet Brady is here today because I lost one 6 months before conceiving him. I have the same pictures to treasure and I believe my baby was a girl too, just that gut instinct.
    You have a talent for writing and expressing things in such a powerful way. Thank you for that…I can totally relate.
    Have a blessed day!
    Jen

  6. […] I read this post, I had a flashback.  When I was a youth pastor, and then a pastor of a small church, I was quite […]

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  9. fathimath Says:

    interesting


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