Candid Chatter

Just Say It

I See God in His Eyes October 13, 2009

Filed under: Life... The Way I See It — candidchatter @ 5:52 am

I am not sure if I can articulate this properly. I hope my post does the reality of answered prayer justice.

Two years ago a dream was shattered. With the honesty of my husband’s heart becoming a burden to mine, I sought God’s will more fervently than ever before. I had, for about 4 years, dreamed of the opportunity to adopt internationally. Shortly after our beautiful Brianna Lyn was born, I felt the unmistakable call on my life to make a place for an orphan in my family. Rich agreed. However, I now believe he agreed reluctantly.

I believed so strongly in a Chinese girl as my daughter that I felt several times, and in various ways, that God was confirming it in my soul. Mostly, he was putting me in touch with people who had adopted internationally; specifically from China. I fell in love with their gorgeous daughters.

Several years later, when I started contacting adoption agencies and watching doors slam shut on China (my chosen country), my husband told me the truth. He did not want to adopt. In fact, he did not want more children at all. We had our Brianna and our Jeremy, who was born 18 1/2 months after her, and he was satisfied with that.

I was deeply disturbed. Depressed. Shocked. Unsettled. For the first time since I married him, I wondered if I had made a mistake. My feelings weren’t totally rational. I am telling you exactly how I felt, so please don’t judge me.

We took a trip to Arizona in October of 2007 to say goodbye to my ailing Grandmother. Soon after we got home, Rich took a business trip. While he was gone I discovered I was pregnant. We did not plan for it and it was very unexpected. I was elated.

Shorter version. In December of 2007, we lost that baby via miscarriage which I have written about repeatedly over the last 2 years. But, while I was pregnant, I prayed for a healthy blue-eyed baby.

When I got pregnant with Jaxon in April of ’08, I prayed for a healthy baby sans the blue eyes. I refused to pray for blue eyes because I felt that was a silly and selfish prayer and who really cared if the baby had any eyes at all. I just wanted a baby. Again, rational thinking eluded me from time to time.

“Please, God, let this one live.”

We had several complications throughout my pregnancy thinking at one point that our baby was positive for Downs Syndrome. Thankfully, he was born a healthy and robust and normal baby. All the drama during the pregnancy was just that… drama.

Jaxon turned 9 months old today. He is still healthy and robust. He has added so much joy to our lives that I cannot begin to describe it to you. If you have children, you know what I mean. He is amazing. They are all amazing.

And, all three of my kids were born with blue eyes. Brianna’s changed to hazel soon after she turned 4 months old. Jeremy’s turned to brown by the time he was 5 months old. But, Jaxon’s have remained blue — becoming even more vibrant in color as he has grown.

One morning I had Jaxon on my bed and we were alone. I looked him deep in the eyes and I swear to you I saw God. My heart nearly leapt out my chest. I felt goosebumps run through my entire body.

“There He is. I see.”

In the bright blue eyes of my son, I saw God. Maybe you don’t understand. Maybe you think I’ve lost my mind. But, I can assure you that every single time I stare into the eyes of my Baby Jack I see God staring back at me.

Jaxon is not God. I am not saying that he is a holy human. No. Make no mistake.

But, Jaxon’s eyes are my gift… my promise… my assurance…

…from Him. And, only Him. Because only He could give such a thing to me.

…just like Noah’s rainbow.

blueeyesGod answers prayers even when we don’t pray them.
He knows our hearts and it gives Him pleasure
to show us He hears.

Sarah, Hannah, and Rachel would all agree.
God hears the cries of His children.

Cry out to Him.

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6 Responses to “I See God in His Eyes”

  1. I loved this post Heidi! Thanks for your brutal honesty. It is so cool to see how God had other ideas-for you and Rich. Reckon that shows who is in charge??? 🙂 I am so excited to know that Jack is such a blessing. I still believe God has big plans for him.

  2. Lorna Says:

    Well, now my brown eyes are all leaky and red. This was a beautiful post. Thanks for sharing Sistah.

  3. This is so beautiful, Heidi. I appreciate this even over the lump in my throat.. I used to want a red-head with green eyes. Guess which one of my kiddos came closest to THAT?
    Thank you for sharing. God bless your heart!!

  4. Ivan Says:

    You are beautiful! (please forgive my crude British manners)

    re prayer: I read recently that the Holy Spirit can intercede for us, aligning an unuttered prayer with the will of God (at least I think that’s what it meant: Romans 8:26-7).

    I’m sure you did see God in Jaxon’s eyes, “for Christ plays in ten thousand places, lovely in limbs, and lovely in eyes not his.”

    Ivan

  5. candidchatter Says:

    Thank you to all of you. 🙂

  6. Jillian Says:

    I truly believe it is your gift from God. What a blessing. How wonderful for you and your family!


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