Candid Chatter

Just Say It

A Good Marriage July 26, 2009

Filed under: Life... The Way I See It — candidchatter @ 8:15 am
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Divorce is everywhere.
I am divorced.
My first marriage lasted, ummm, 3 years? Heck, I don’t even remember. I’ve blocked a giant chunk of that part of my life right out of my brain and I don’t enjoy fetching for memories either. I am grateful, as deeply grateful as one can get, that my first husband and I did not have children. He had children. We did not.

Our marriage was not built on a solid foundation. It was built on lies and deceptions. His and mine. I thought he was wealthy. He thought I loved him. It was worse than that, actually, but I am not going to dig for more. I’d like to forget that entire 5 year period of my life, truthfully. I was a bad person in that time. Bad. And, the consequences of my poor decision making rippled through an entire family. Two families.

Fast forward.

I married my sweet Rich in 1999 after about a year and a half of dating. ‘Dating’, ha!, that seems silly. We actually dated for maybe 4 months and then we moved in together. So, we were doing all things married people do, but didn’t actually tie the knot until November of ’99. How common is that these days? It is so common most people don’t even think of it as wrong. But, it is wrong. And, backwards. However, I’ve done it twice now (ex-hub, forever hub). In fact, so many of my friends and family members have done this that it doesn’t make anyone bat an eyelash anymore. Our society is so lame.

Moving on.

I could take you through almost 10 years of marriage and make this post as long as my driveway. Or, I could tell you why our marriage is so good.

I asked Rich why he thinks we have such a great marriage. To make it easy, and since he was bleary-eyed from just waking up, I said “give me three reasons”. He said:

  1. We don’t fight much.
  2. We love each other.
  3. We respect each other.

I agree. My 3 additions:

  1. We have a solid foundation.
  2. We’re honest with each other.
  3. We have learned to compromise. It’s rarely “my way or the highway”.

I wish I could grab every young couple by the ears and sit them down for 30 minutes to fill them with all the wisdom I can muster so they won’t fall into the traps our society has set for them. So they won’t fail. There are so many lies. Too many. If only I could. If only I could AND if only they would listen.

What society tell us is not true.
You can’t be independent and stay married.
You can’t be “right” and stay married.
You can’t lie to one another and stay married.
You can’t be selfish and stay married.
You can’t.
And, those are just a few of the things society says “yes, you can”.

My parents have been married for 37 years.
Rich’s parents have been married for 37 years.
It’s not by accident. At all.
It’s by hard work and commitment.
It won’t always be rosy or fun or romantic.
But, it can always be good.

old-couple

How have you made your marriage work?
Or, why did your marriage fail?

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Nine Years Later November 29, 2008

Filed under: Life... The Way I See It — candidchatter @ 4:41 am
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Today my youngest sister is getting married. I could not make it to the wedding.

Today is my 9th wedding anniversary.

We will share anniversaries.

I love it!

Nine years later I have been so blessed.

tday-bree-9-bw

Brianna is 4

tday-jeremy-3-bw

Jeremy is 2 1/2

heart-hands-belly-spotlight

Baby will be here in just a few weeks
(picture is of me)

Thank you, Rich, for asking me to be your wife.
I love you.
You have blessed my life in ways I cannot describe.
Happy Anniversary!

And, Katie, my beautiful little sister…
May you be even more blessed than I.

Congratulations!
You will be on my mind all day.
You’re awesome
and
I love you!!

 

Behind the Curtain May 29, 2008

Filed under: All In the Family — candidchatter @ 8:42 pm
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We don’t always know what goes on behind the scenes. Anywhere.

What happened on this blog that brought me well over 300 hits today is a prime example of what I mean. Drama. So much drama that it put 2 sisters who normally get along like peas in a pod at odds with each other. Thankfully, the problem is resolved for the most part. There is one little, minor issue still hanging, but it’s more like “I’m right”, “no, I’m right”, “no, you are wrong, I’m right”, “no, you aren’t remembering it right, I’m right”, “no, I remember, you are wrong, I’m right”. Silly. Kindergarten. Blah!

My sister is very wrapped up in the final stages of planning a very large and very expensive wedding. She has looked forward to this day for over 3 years now. She met her husband-to-be about 5 years ago. She is coordinating and paying for her dream day. What started out as fun has turned into mounds of financial strain and stress. Those of you already married will moan along with me because we are well aware of the wastefulness of wedding “budgets”. But, until you’re married, you just don’t get it. Our society plays a major role in driving this business of weddings into the brains of young girls who, for ridiculous reasons, end up putting themselves or their parents in debt for one day.

So what happens is she gets herself so wrapped up in this wedding that she fails to see what it is really all about. At least that’s my take on it. I did the same thing when I was planning my own wedding. I got so ticked off at little insignificant things and it would ruin my day. In fact, my husband almost called off our wedding due to my Bridezilla-ness. I could be wicked during those months.

And you know what?
I don’t even have one wedding picture gracing my walls. I have one picture. One. In a frame, on a shelf, that is barely noticeable unless you are really purposely looking for it. I don’t watch my wedding video. I can’t remember the last time I looked at my wedding photos.

The one thing I regret from that day is that I didn’t ask my sister “Snickets” to walk down the aisle during the ceremony. She surprised me by being there. I didn’t expect her to come. Yet, she did. And because I didn’t know she was coming I didn’t plan for her to be in my wedding. And she didn’t have a bridesmaid dress to match the others. So she sat and watched with my family. How sad. She had on a black cocktail dress. She looked stunningly beautiful (as usual). I should have asked her to be in the wedding regardless. Sure she may have stood out. But you know what would have stood out more? My love for her. My desire to have her in my wedding even if she wore jeans – which she didn’t. Know why? Because, in the end, it just doesn’t matter about the dress. Or the hair. Or the shoes. Or the make-up. Or the cake. Or the flowers. Or any of that crap.

What matters… is the love.

Love is being celebrated, right? Not perfection. The joining of two people in love. The surroundings filled with family and laughter and smiles. The atmosphere that lights up the world and glows for one day as 2 families and mounds of friends come together to celebrate the newly married couple. That is what matters.

I talked to my baby sister today. She is getting married soon too. She is so smart, that one. She is now thinking of postponing her wedding date a bit to ease the pressure off the family. She realizes how much blood, sweat, and tears her older sister’s wedding is costing us all. I gave her some advice. I told her not to insult anyone. I told her not to set her expectations too high. I told her to make it simple. I also told her that I will not be in her wedding. LOL! I did. She laughed and said she is planning an all friends wedding party anyway. She’s a sweetheart.

So pray for my sister, Andrea. She’s up to her eyeballs and beyond. She has a little boy who is 3 1/2 and a handful (aren’t they all). She is working double shifts at her job. She is planning her wedding virtually all by herself. She is emotionally and financially spent.

Pray for all women planning their weddings. Lord knows they need our prayers.

Remember when you had that first child and you read all those books and you did all they told you to do and you took all the advice other mothers gave you and you bought all cotton everything and only the best diapers and so on? Remember that? Then, remember your 2nd child when you threw all that crap away and got real?

Yeah. It’s like that. I hope and pray she regrets nothing and that her day is awesome.

Thanks for stopping by Candid Chatter. If you’re new, stick around. Sometimes I’m actually funny. Good night!

 

What do you regret about your wedding day?