Candid Chatter

Just Say It

Getting ME Back September 20, 2009

So I go through periods of time (short, thankfully) where I feel downhearted. Not completely overwhelmed with depression, but feelings of darkness. The last two weeks have been like that. Sorta.

Last night I either had a dream or I had a moment of lucidity as I tossed back onto my back to keep the snot in my head and not on my pillow. I have a cold. Again.
So I had this moment of seeing myself; not as I am, but as I long to be.


I was fit. I had muscle tone. I had a tan. I was smiling. I had energy. I was full of life.
And, I realized right then and there that the person I was seeing IS me.
And, even though I’m going through this rough patch of feeling like my body has fallen apart, it really is just that… a rough patch. Because I am not comfortable with fat. I do not tolerate unhealthy. I am not lazy nor am I a glutton.

So I am over it. If you see me today, I am over 150 pounds. I feel fat. I feel ugly. I feel like I am barely making it most days because I have no energy and I keep getting sick. I have felt stuck in this yuck for over a year. And. I am SO done feeling this way.

I will breastfeed Jaxon for exactly 4 more months. I have to say that for the first 10 weeks I thought of breastfeeding as a loving sacrifice. After that, I felt extremely happy that I stuck it out because I started to really love it. In fact, I loved it so much that when I had to start feeding my son baby food from a jar I was upset and I cried because he wouldn’t need me at the breast as much. Now that he is 8 months old and I feel like half of a normal human being again, I want to be done. It is now just a convenience for me. I don’t see it necessary emotionally for either of us. It is the greatest form of nutrition for him and that I will never deny. But, emotionally we don’t need it anymore. It feels like I’m just feeding him now. I don’t know how to describe it, really. I guess “routine” is a good word to describe how it feels.

Anyway… I don’t consider nursing my son the reason for my downheartedness. Don’t get me wrong. But, the nursing has kept me in this state of being that I am unhappy with. I can’t take certain meds to feel better, it is taxing my immune system despite what you “experts” say, I am stillĀ  fat so the magic breastfeeding-makes-the-weight-melt-off is baloney in my book… and on and on. Because of the extra weight my foot is not healing the way it should. I can’t lose without using my foot. It’s a vicious cycle that is tiring me to the core.

And, before anyone startsĀ  bashing me for eating fast food… find another chick to assault. I am a vegetarian 3/4 of the time. I only consume fish occasionally and my diet is well-rounded with my carbohydrate intake consisting primarily of fiber rich, whole grains and fruits. Save yourself the aggrivation of trying to pinpoint my problem as being anything other than breastfeeding. Pregnancy sucks and robs me of my nutrition and it has become apparant that breastfeeding does the same thing to me. It’s awful.

I didn’t realize until recently that one very important part of my mental well-being is my physical well-being. The two are intricately tied. Since I feel sluggish and I hate the way I look with my fat stomach and fat rear end… I am not healthy emotionally either.

Sure other things work their way into that equation, but the main thing is that I am physically unhealthy. Everything else is just another ingredient.


I am glad I see this now. It is relieving in a sense. I probably have about a year left of being “this” way physically. I am not done nursing Jack until January and, even then, weening is a process.

A woman once told me that it took her 3 years to get her body back after her last child was born. She breastfed too. I hope it doesn’t take 3 years. But, I will do what it takes to get mine back.

Healthy. Vibrant. Strong.
That is me. I am ready.


Differing Opinions February 4, 2009

Filed under: Life... The Way I See It — candidchatter @ 6:01 am
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I am learning so much about being a Mom right now. I consider myself a veteran for the most part, however there are a few things I didn’t know. Because of this new information, I have been asking a lot of questions to friends of mine who have experienced what I am experiencing now. And you know what — some of them differ greatly in how they answer my questions. It’s very interesting.

I take what I can use from each of them and leave the rest. This is how life is done anyway. And it’s working.

Motherhood doesn’t come naturally. Sure the pregnancy is pretty natural. The birth can be totally natural too. My friend LB has given birth to all 3 of her children as naturally as one can. She’s a trooper! But, after that, it’s mostly trial and error. Things start to come together and may seem natural, but really it’s that Mom and Baby have learned a few things from one another. A Mommy learns what different sounding cries mean. Babies learn their Mother’s voice and unique touch and take comfort in that familiarity.

Breastfeeding doesn’t come naturally either. The body’s ability to produce milk to sustain the life of a growing child is totally natural. The ins and outs of feeding the Baby are learned. Trial and error.

Babies are resilient. It serves a parent good to remember that — especially when guilt feelings surface. Am I holding the baby enough? Am I talking to the baby enough? Am I bonding with the baby enough? Am I drinking enough water for milk production? Is giving a pacifier to the baby a good thing or a bad thing? Is lack of sleep causing me to resent the baby? And so on…

My Mom has not given me much advice unless I’ve asked for it. She’s very wise like that. My Mother-in-law is fairly similar in that she does not interfere and I think she can tell when she’s on the edge of “the line” and she won’t cross it. She’s wise too. My Sisters and my Sister-in-law are available whenever I call upon them. My friends are greatly supportive too. It’s important for a Mother to have a large pool of women from which she can draw upon. I am so blessed in that regard.

But not all of them agree. And the good thing is, none of them will insist that I do it their way and only their way. It’s sort of an unspoken thing that all Moms know. We all know that it’s ok to give advice and it’s ok to tell how we do things with our own kids, but it’s not ok to insist another Mother do it like we do it. We have a silent understanding that not all parents are the same and it’s a good thing.

It’s a good thing.


Don’t Mess With Lactation January 15, 2009

Filed under: Life... The Way I See It — candidchatter @ 8:47 am
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I have said in the past that a person’s decision to breastfeed or not is personal. I can see why you would. I can see why you wouldn’t. I like to try it out. This time, thankfully, it’s going quite well. My milk came in late last night and Jaxon is very content and only requiring every 2 to 2 1/2 hours to eat. I am sleeping soundly between feedings. All is well.

However, the lactation consultant here is quite a challenge. Not my cup of tea, for sure. She’s annoying and if I was on the fence on whether or not to breastfeed she would make me decide to quit. Blah!

Yesterday Jaxon needed his blood sugar checked before eating. I called my nurse to tell her he was ready to gobble. The lactation nurse must have heard the call and came rushing into my room. She saw the pacifier in Jaxon’s mouth (from the NICU by the way) and about had a coronary right here in my room. She told me to take it out and feed him right away “he is obviously hungry since he is vigorously sucking that *thing*”. I told her I was going to wait until he gets his blood sugar tested. I didn’t want him back in the NICU for another 24 hours. I obey orders when it’s medical stuff. She flipped out, left the room, shouting something about “speaking to your nurse”.

Oh boy!

Nurse comes in about 10 seconds later and I haven’t seen the Boob Nazi since.

Why the drama? Seriously? Jaxon wasn’t going to starve in 4 minutes. He wasn’t even crying. Just sucking a pacifier like it was his last meal, but he was happy otherwise.

Sheesh. Drama follows me to the hospital even. Guess that’s why they call me a Drama Queen.

Jaxon is doing great. Word is, I might be released tonight if all goes well with his circumcision. I think I just heard the men moan just now. LOL!

I’ll check in when I can. Thanks for coming over here and for all the sweet, sweet comments. I have more great pix of the kids seeing Jack for the first time. I’ll upload them in the next few days.

Hugs to all!!!


Wisdom for the New Mom-to-Be November 12, 2008

I’m sure there are a few of you who read this who can add to the list. When I was in BabiesRUs quickly scanning the items for my baby registry, I saw quite a few confused new parents-to-be trying to figure out what they need and what they don’t need.

I remember doing a whole bunch of returning when I was pregnant with Brianna following my first baby shower. I recall one of my friends laughing at me and shaking her head. Well, I got a whole bunch of crap that was less important to me than the stuff I thought I really needed. Who wouldn’t choose bottles over socks? Seriously.

I declined baby shower offers when I was pregnant with Jeremy. Brianna was a mere 10 months old when I got pregnant with him. I had everything I needed left over from her. I was smart and got neutral everything. I knew I wanted more kids and if I had bought all pink I would have needed everything all over again. Plus, being that I’m a research hound, I learned that babies can only see in black, white, and red clearly when they are small.

Well this time is different. Since I thought we’d be adopting our third child I gave just about everything away. The big stuff, that is. No swing. No bouncer. No tub. And I remember needing pacifiers and pacifier clips. My diaper bag had been through a war zone — or at least it appeared that way — and I needed a new one of those too. So here is a partial list from a Mom of two and a Mom-to-be of three who will all be under the age of five. Yes, I am crazy. Just ask anyone who knows me.

  1. No matter what the magazines or books or well-meaning relatives tell you YOU DO NOT NEED A BASSINET!!
  2. Travel yards (pack and plays) are up to the individual. I never used mine for a play pen. I never took it anywhere with me. What I did use it for was another place to lie the baby down to sleep besides the crib. The crib is in the bedroom. The pack and play can go anywhere else — I kept it in the living room.
  3. If you get a high chair you better get one that is on wheels and easy to clean.
  4. Ignore the lactation nurses and once your infant is 4 weeks old get that baby a pacifier. Yes, you’re welcome.
  5. Let’s talk bibs — only buy the absorbent ones. The cute ones that aren’t terry cloth are just that… cute! They are worthless. If you don’t listen to me here, you’ll see shortly as the spit up runs down the non-absorbent bib onto your shirt, lap, or floor.
  6. Diaper bags. Do NOT get a diaper bag that will embarrass your husband. If he won’t carry it, you are screwed my dear. The end.
  7. Yes, burp cloths are important. They will become a part of your wardrobe. Again, always choose absorbent over cute.
  8. Breastfeeding? One word — Lansinoh. You’re welcome.
  9. Babies (infants) don’t need or want toys. Wait. Just hold off for a few months. They could care less. What they want is warmth, tight swaddling, your touch, your voice, and your face.
  10. The cheap diapers work just as well as Pampers or Huggies.
  11. Get the disposable wash cloths that have the soap already in them. You’ll use these suckers every single bath time and with one hand holding the baby you won’t be able to soap up a washcloth the regular way. You can find these little miracles at WalMart, BabiesRUs, and Target. You can get like 20 in a box for around $3.00.
  12. Get used to raw hands from washing them so much. Buy a really good hand lotion — one that won’t stay greasy or sticky or slimy. I’d also stay away from any brand that has a fragrance since that will burn if your hands start to crack.
  13. Tummy cream doesn’t work. Don’t waste your money. You will get stretch marks. It’s a fact of life. Well, unless you are one of the lucky ones. But most of us aren’t lucky.
  14. You will NEVER use a travel swing. Forget it. I know it’s cute. Put it down and walk away.

What else do you need??

  • A safe car seat that doubles as an infant carrier
  • A good, sturdy swing
  • A bouncer seat
  • A stroller — my recommendation is a travel system where the stroller and car seat all fit together
  • Lots of blankets
  • Lots of absorbent bibs and burp cloths
  • Onesies
  • Socks
  • Pacifiers and clips that attach to baby’s clothes
  • A good thermometer
  • A blue suction thingy and keep it handy at all times incase your little one has acid reflux and chokes on his or her own spit up and then can’t breathe (been there, done that)
  • A good baby monitor. Don’t get the one with video. If you’re asleep you won’t see the little tyke anyway. Get one that doesn’t have a lot of interference and won’t drive you nuts with all the bells and whistles (or lights) when you’re trying to sleep at night.
  • A sleep positioner

Good luck and congratulations New Mommy. Your whole world is about to be turned upside down and sideways. Is it worth it? You better believe it — every single sleepless minute.

Seasoned Moms (or Dads)
What would you add
to the list?