I Salute You February 14, 2009

To all the single moms and dads out there… I salute you.

For the past year, my husband has worked so many hours that I have felt the majority of the time that I am a single parent. I hope that doesn’t sound insensitive to a single parent’s situation. I mean no disrespect. It’s just that I am really tired. I can imagine how hard single parenting really is.

When my husband works so much that my kids only see him for 5 minutes in the morning Monday through Friday, I feel very alone. We get him all day on Saturday, thank God. Sunday he serves all morning at the church. By the time he gets home, the kids are in bed for their naps. They only get to see him about 5 hours on Sundays because of this conflict in his schedule. I half begged him last week to quit the ministry he volunteers for. We need him home. I need him home.

I am thankful that I don’t really know what it’s like to be completely on my own with my three kids. But I want you single parents to know that I think of you and I completely take off my hat to you. Your job, my friends, is the hardest job on the planet.

I salute you.

Slow Fade November 30, 2008

By Casting Crowns

I hate this song.
Because
it’s
true.

Search Items September 20, 2008

To be of utmost assistance to those of you confused by daily life or motherhood or pregnancy or whatever, I have decided to do another post on items searched that landed folks right here.

1. “trying to conceive has made me bitter” — I so understand. It starts out fun. Then you get your period. Oh well, nobody gets pregnant the first try; you rationalize. You read up on methods that are ‘sure to work’. You try again. Then you get your period. You buy a book or two and maybe some ovulation kits. You try again. Your husband has never had this much sex in his life and he’s thinking he just hit the freakin’ jackpot. You, on the other hand, are starting to become concerned that something is wrong with your female functions. My best advice is this — every other day have sex starting on day 7 in your cycle (day 1 is the day you start your period). If you are not pregnant within 3 months of trying this method, talk to your doctor. Every other day — not every day — not on certain days — you wanna catch that egg then you need to do what I just said — even when you’re bitter. Good luck!!
2. “no soap lotion before ultrasound” — One question: why the heck not? They use gel anyway. Your belly gets all gunked up and slimy. Huh?
3. “negative pregnancy test” — either you tested too early (wait a week) or you are not pregnant. False negatives are common. False positives are not common. Good luck!
4. “symptoms of a miscarriage” — gee whiz… I hate this one. My symptoms were spotting and loss of pregnancy symptoms. I had no cramps, but those are normal too. I also didn’t have heavy bleeding or clots, but these are normal too. I’m sorry.
5. “I believe divorce is” — Necessary for some; ridiculously selfish for others.
6. “do down syndrome babies move in ultrasound” — yes, they sure do! If your baby wasn’t moving in ultrasound, he or she was probably asleep. The IMPORTANT thing is that everything is functioning while the baby is still (heart is beating, blood is flowing in and out of placenta/umbilical cord, etc.). Next time drink orange juice about 15 minutes before your appointment. Works every single time. I’ve had probably 100 ultrasounds — trust me, OJ works!!
7. “Jesus tell me the truth” — Try the New Testament. He does a lot of that in there. Happy seeking!
8. “I’ve been eating a lot of junk…” — Me too!!! I just had some Almond Coffee Cake and a large glass of milk. I am getting fat this pregnancy and I almost don’t care really. Ha!!
9. “ok to conceive while husband is sick” — well, that all depends on what is causing him to be sick. If it is Hepatitis, I’d say NO. If it’s the common cold, then hop on him girlfriend!!
10. “sausage pizza while pregnant ok” — LOL!! You can’t be serious. If that wasn’t OK then my kids would all have something wrong with them. ROFL!!
11. “pregnancy test getting lighter” — sweetheart, they are no good after a few hours. The lines will fade. I have saved all of my positive pregnancy tests. They all still have lines, but they are all very faint now. Throw it away. Just throw it away. It’s probably gross that I saved all of mine. Yeah, that’s probably really gross on some level. Oh well.
12. “spot head ultrasound down syndrome” — not necessarily!! Go see a genetic specialist or perinatologist. Seriously, get a referral from your OB or midwife right now and go see a more specialized doctor for a better ultrasound. Trust me!!
13. “candid nurse” — Someday!! Right now I’m just Candid Chatter.
14. “recommended breakfast first trimester” — whatever the hell you can keep down!! Good luck with that.
15. “why is my stomach so big in the first trimester” — because you are short. Me too. I understand and I feel you on this one. Just understand all those hot little tarts who don’t show until they are like 8 months along will get worse stretch marks than you! Well, at least that’s what I like to believe.

Divorce August 11, 2008

I am divorced. I have been free from that strange man for over 10 years now. It took about 4 or 5 years for me to fully forgive him and since I did that I have been completely free — emotionally as well as physically — from that weirdo. He was abusive. But not in the physical sense. He was a controller, manipulator, liar, deceiver, liar, liar, liar, liar, lair. You get me, I’m sure.

He used his intelligence to manipulate people. Me. His kids (they were his – we didn’t have children together). His co-workers. His ex-wife before I became his ex-wife too. His mom. His step dad. His boss. His “friends”. Everyone. Then if things didn’t go his way he became verbally abusive. He had a way of making people who liked him (and loved him) feel inadequate to be a part of his life: worthless, hopeless, stupid, useless. The even sicker thing is that I think he enjoyed it. I think it made him feel powerful.

When we first got together, as I’ve mentioned before, I was all in it for the risk and the cat & mouse chase. It was fun to me. I was running with the wrong crowd and my “friends” were intrigued by this attention that he was giving me. I was very young. He was not. I was easily manipulated and pressured. He knew it. I thought I was in control when all along it was him. I was like a puppet.

I never thought our relationship would go as far as marriage. When his wife found out about me I almost high-tailed it out of there. I think he knew what I was thinking so he turned it up a notch. He started buying me things, taking me to fun places, doting on me and I was just a kid (19 yrs old). I didn’t know he was a con artist. I fell for it. Like falling down a jagged flight of stairs and landing on concrete.

Then I found out that he was a raging closet alcoholic. Then he said he was a Vietnam vet. I felt sorry for him. I wanted to fix him. He allowed me to believe that I could. It became my mission.

One of my friends started to doubt his Vietnam story. I shrugged her off. Then one day he told me he had lied all that time about it. Hmm. I honestly think that was the first strong jab that made me wonder if I really wanted to remain in this relationship. By this time, we were already married.

He went to rehab for alcoholism about 3 or 4 times. He tried to commit suicide (or at least pretended he was trying) twice. He ran me ragged and tore my emotions to shreds in a very short period of time. I got so sick of it. So sick of it.

Then one day he quit drinking. Just like that. Life seemed to get better.

Over the next couple of years he got custody of all of his kids. Even his oldest daughter who had run away came back with two kids of her own. Life was improving. For him.

But I was tired. With the step-children came a whole new set of problems I wasn’t prepared for. I was all of 24 years old with 5 step-children and 2 step-grandchildren. All but 1 of the 7 kids lived with us. My ex had only been sober for a short time. I had just gone through hell and back and then I get thrown into a role I had no business being in — mom/grandma around the clock. I was suffocating.

I decided I was going to leave. I tried to position myself and his kids in such a way that my decision would have the least impact on them. I tried.

He finally had a really good job. He was doing well and for the first time since we got together he was not paying child support.

Then he lost his job. He smart-mouthed too many people and lied one too many times and his boss, who was his “friend”, fired him. A month later, I left. I was 25.

He got a new job and I got a lawyer.

I’ve never looked back. Not once.

I know divorce is frowned upon in certain circles.

I believe divorce is necessary in certain situations: abuse, repeat infidelity, abandonment, etc.
I don’t believe divorce should be an out when the relationship can be rescued: money problems, selfish ambition or desires, illness, etc.

What do you think?